


tell him that his lonesome nights are over

by fauu_stine



Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Different First Meeting, BestBigBrother!Isak, Cuddling & Snuggling, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Explicit Sexual Content, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Musician!Even, Sexual Tension, Singer!Even
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-11
Updated: 2018-08-16
Packaged: 2019-06-08 21:22:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 25,434
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15252318
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fauu_stine/pseuds/fauu_stine
Summary: "You're strong. You're always so strong. But you don't have to be strong all the time.""Except I do. Because if I'm not, who's going to be strong for Lea? Or even for me? I've always been alone, I can only count on myself. I don't have the choice.""No, you're wrong. You have it now."OR: After their mother's death, Isak and Lea have to leave Oslo to join their father, who's living with his new girlfriend, Aurora, and her own son, a young man named Even.Isak may find more than a new home.





	1. stronger alone

**Author's Note:**

> I recommend two songs that are included in the story (played and sung by Even): [you are my sunshine](https://open.spotify.com/track/76pllrWpfiCoLGhijQBYhO) & [mr.sandman](https://open.spotify.com/track/1ibQiWl2i50MGt3SpRuE0D). I will also add the links at the appropriate time in the story.
> 
> This work deals with some heavy subjects: mental illness, suicide, grief, domestic violence. There is absolutely no graphic description of it, but references through the dialogues.
> 
> I promise you it's actually more fluffly than this warning suggests.
> 
> I'm almost done with part 2, so it will be posted in the next few days.
> 
> Enjoy!

Their mother was born in October 1978 and died in October 2018.

Their father abandoned them in November 2015, left Oslo for Bergen in November 2016 and, like a circle needing to be closed, they had to leave Oslo to join him in November 2018 - two years after Isak vowed to never talk to nor see his father ever again.

Saying that Isak hates Autumn is a bitter euphemism.

Their mother's funeral had been a short affair. Isak stayed with Lea at Jonas' place, like they always used to when things were hard at home. Their father came to take care of the house, pack their stuff - mostly Lea's, the rest Isak could deal with - and organise Lea's school transfer. Isak also dropped out of University but considering he barely attended any classes since the beginning of the academic year, it was pretty anecdotal. And then their father left for Bergen with his car full of boxes and suitcases while Isak stayed with her little sister one more week-end in Oslo - to say goodbye, he told his father, even though the real reason was he just couldn't deal with a 7 hours long ride with him.

Isak hates the idea that he has to live with his father starting tonight, but he would rather live in the same house that this asshole than leave his sister. His father wouldn't let him take care of her alone (like if their mother raised her instead of him these past years…) and decided she would come live with him in Bergen. Isak knew he didn't have any legal rights against his father. And he's just lost his mother; he wasn't about to give up on Lea after everything they've been through together - it wasn't negotiable.

So in the end, he didn't have much choice.

 

×

 

It's been dark for hours when their train stop at Bergen train station. His eight-years-old sister slept most of the journey, because there is close to nothing that can prevent her from sleeping - not even their parents' fights, nor their mother mental breakdown. Isak wished he could tell the same.

He doesn't have the heart to wake her so he put his backpack on his back and take her in his arms. Lea mumbles something in her sleep but doesn't stir, doesn't open an eye. It's freezing outside and there is a thin layer of snow on the ground. Isak hugs her sister a bit tighter to keep her warm.

Their father is waiting for them on the platform. Isak knew he would but he's still annoyed when he sees the sight of him - like a Pavlovian reflex. It doesn't change anything since he was supposed to pick them up from the station anyway, and, more important, Isak is going to live with him - he won't have much choice but deal with him everyday, and yet…

Yet his resentment is stronger than his reason.

"Isak, hi," his father says, his voice a bit too high, betraying his nervosity. "Was the journey okay?" He makes an aborted movement towards him, like he was about to hug him or take Lea from his arms. Either way, it's a simple and flat _no_. Isak takes a step back. "Hm… I can take your backpack if you want? You must be tired."

"It's fine," he retorts, making sure to sound as cold as he feels.

Yes, he made the decision to give up his life in Oslo to follow his sister. Yes, he agreed to start living with his father again. But it doesn't mean he has to make any kind of effort with him. He is here for Lea and only for her.

His father can still fuck off.

"Alright." His father clears his voice and starts to look at everywhere but him. "Then, if you have everything, we can-"

Isak doesn't let him finish. He starts to walk away from him and towards what must be the parking lot. It's late and he doesn't have the patience to have any kind of conversation with him.

His father catches up on him but doesn't speak again, taking the hint. He takes the lead after leaving the train station and getting to the parking, guiding them to a brand new black and fancy car. It's nice to see his father is still doing so well at his work.

"Do you-" The older man starts again as he unlocks the car's doors.

Isak ignores him altogether and opens the right door. He delicately settles his sister on the back seat, not forgetting to fasten her belt.

"Isak," she whispers this time and starts to wake up.

"It's okay sunshine, go back to sleep," he soothes her. He kisses the top of her head and she nods absently, already falling back to sleep.

He closes her door and walks to the other side of the car. He gets ride of his bag and then sits in the middle seat. Her sister lets her head instantly fall against his arm. He tries to make sure she can lean against him and he wraps her with his coat.

Their father gets behind the wheel and starts the car.

 

×

 

The ride's been silent and Isak is glad he decided to take the train with Lea instead of sharing a car with his father from Oslo to Bergen - it would have been unbearable.

When they stop, Isak doesn't want to look at the cozy house with the pretty garden, doesn't want to see just yet where his father's been rebuilding his life with a new woman. He still notices the lights on inside though and he sighs in advance; he won't be able to escape the awkward introductions tonight, although it was the whole point of taking a late train.

He gets out of the car with his backpack and takes Lea in his arms again before his father has the time to do so, and then, he follows him reluctantly inside the house.

"Oh, you're here!" A feminine voice exclaims, pretending to be surprised, like if it wasn't obvious she had been watching for the car through the window all night.

A tall woman - but not as tall as his father - joins them in the entry. She has blond hair in a bun and piercing blue eyes. She is objectively beautiful and her smile doesn't look fake. Isak surprises himself by thinking she seems kind, not what he was expecting at all, and he can't help but wonder what she's doing with the selfish man that is his father.

But for all he knows, she could be even worse than him under her angelic appearance.

"Hi, I'm Aurora," she says with a soft voice. She smiles at him, doesn't seem to be bothered by his lack of response and then looks at Lea sleeping in his arms. "Oh, sorry," she adds lower. "Even's gonna show you your room right away so you can rest. You must be exhausted too," she tells him and this time Isak has to react.

"Even?"

"That would be me. Hi," a deep voice answers as the same time as Aurora clarifies, "my son."

A young man around his age steps in the room. He's taller than everyone else, even his father, even _him_. He is the spitting image of his mother, blond with blue eyes and a friendly smile. Isak didn't know his father was living with his girlfriend's son, not that he cares anyway, but a heads-up would have been nice.

"It's the guest room, actually, so there is only one bed," Aurora starts speaking again. "But Even offered his bedroom."

"Yeah, you can have it, it's no problem," his son - Even - insists.

"No need, I'm gonna stay with Lea," Isak states immediately.

They are all very nice and he doesn't think they are putting on an act but somehow, it's even worse. Lea and him don't need their pity, don't need their kindness. They can take care of themselves. And the simple fact that Even, a guy of his age, is the one showing them their room is smart but useless in this case; it's not going to make Isak relax or connect with them more easily.

Isak can hear his father sigh behind him and he expects him to scold him for being rude and ungrateful but Aurora doesn't give him the time to.

"Sure," she nods with a smile, still perfectly unfazed. "All your belongings are already in the guest room by the way."

Lea starts to move in his arms and that's what end the talk. Even waves in the direction of the stairs and then turns away so Isak follows him without granting a single look to his father.

"Goodnight," Aurora greets them and Isak registers it too late to reply. He almost feels bad for being such a dick but this time he sincerely didn't expect her to speak to him again.

Whatever. She's just feeling bad for the poor kids who lost their mother.

They climb upstairs and Even leads them at the end of the hallway.

"Here it is," he annonces and let them get inside first. It's quite big for a guestroom, at least there is enough space for a bed, a closet, a desk and the pile of all their stuff. Isak walks to the bed and lays his sister carefully on it. "Are you hungry? Do you need anything?" Even asks and Isak shakes his head. "The bathroom is right across the hallway. And if you need me, my room is next to it." Isak opens one of their suitcase and looks for Lea's pyjama. "Okay, so… Yeah. Goodnight, I guess. See you tomorrow morning?"

"Obviously," Isak can't help but answer. Of course they are gonna see each other next morning. They will every morning starting tomorrow, actually.

Even doesn't say anything else. Eventually, he walks away and closes the door behind him. Isak finds her sister's pyjamas in the second suitcase and tries to undress her without waking her.

It doesn't work.

"Isak?" She calls softly.

"Hey, sunshine. You can sleep in a real bed now, see? But you should change before you do," he explains. Lea is barely conscious but she helps him to get rid of her clothes and then put on her pyjama.

"Should I brush my teeth?" She asks, even though she's already under the covers, eyes fluttering close.

"For tonight, it's okay if you don't."

Isak tucks her in bed, gives her a goodnight kiss and a few seconds later, she's back to sleep, her breathing slow and regular.

He undresses as well, puts the first tee-shirt he finds in the open suitcase and joins her in bed. He lies on his back, staring at the ceiling and he already knows he isn't going to have much sleep.

But it's okay. He's used to it; he hasn't slept more than six hours in a night in three years.

 

×

 

Next morning, it's Lea who wakes him up.

"Isak, where are we?" She asks. She doesn't sound panicked but she isn't comfortable either.

Isak rubs his eyes and yawns. Like it was expected, it's been a short night for him. "It's okay, sunshine. We are at Bergen, at dad's place, remember?"

Lea stays silent for a while. Eventually, she nods and lies against his shoulder. Isak raises a hand to brush her blond curls gently the way he knows it calms her.

"Who's the lady from yesterday?"

Isak is surprised she remembers her. Maybe she wasn't that asleep after all.

"Her name's Aurora. It's dad's girlfriend," he explains. Lea already knows their father is living with a woman the way he used to live with their mother but it's completely different to see it for real.

"Is she my new mum?"

Isak feels his throat tighten and he has to take a long breath to keep his composure, to fight against this flow of unwanted emotions.

"I don't want a new mum," Lea adds with a sad pout that breaks Isak's heart.

"She's not," Isak says and thinks for a moment. He hates his father but he never tried to make Lea feels the same towards him. She stopped to ask for him by herself when she realized he would never come back. And Isak has no interest in sympathizing with Aurora but she seems to be a decent person, so… "She's not but it's okay if you want to talk to her."

"Is she nice?"

"I think she is."

"Okay. She's pretty." Isak nods. "What about the boy?"

"His name's Even. It's Aurora's son."

Lea opens her mouth to speak again but his stomach makes a rumbling noise before she can form a sound.

He smiles, "are you hungry?" He's already starting to get up, but Lea holds him back.

"Wait!"

She puts her arms around his neck and Isak thinks at first she's asking for a hug but then she whispers against his ear, like a secret, "I miss mum a lot."

Isak's smile falters. He swallows slowly, tries to ignore the pain in his heart as he whispers back, "yeah. I miss her too."

They hold each other and don't get out of bed before thirty more minutes.

 

×

 

Isak will never stop being stunned by his sister's maturity and capacity for adaptation. When they go down for breakfast, she's shy for about five minutes before she starts talking with Aurora and Even like she has known them her whole life. She joins them in the kitchen and insists to help them cook - Aurora with the pancakes and Even with the scrambled eggs. Mother and son are smiling and laughing, like if Isak and Lea barging into their lives is a pleasant surprise. Isak can't believe this is sincere, can't believe people like them can actually exist. What are they getting from all of this?

He doesn't understand.

His father mumbles a good morning when he finds the four of them in the kitchen but he only gets an answer from Aurora and Even. Isak stays quiet, doesn't even bother to acknowledge his presence, while Lea stares at him for a long time.

"Did you sleep well, sweetheart?" Their father asks her and her first reaction is to walk to Isak, her eyes asking him for permission to talk to him - like if he's the stranger for her here and not Aurora and Even. Everyone seems surprised by her behavior but Isak can't blame them - he didn't expect it either.

"Yes," Lea replies eventually. Their father smiles to her and it's probably the saddest one Isak has ever seen. "I'm cooking breakfast," she adds after a while.

"Oh?"

"With Aurora and Even," she keeps talking. "Do you want some?"

And with that, the awkwardness slowly clears up. Aurora invites them all to sit for breakfast and Lea helps them to set the table. She takes a chair next to Isak and starts talking with enthusiasm about the book she read in the train before falling asleep - something about a fish and a turtle or whatever. Their father seems completely lost but Aurora listens to her and asks questions like if it was the most interesting subject she's ever discussed over breakfast.

Isak eats in silence. He's tired and he feels awful - about his mother, about his father - but at least Lea seems happy today and it's all that matters to him.

And the scrambled eggs are actually very good. So good he serves himself a second time.

"You like the eggs?" Even asks suddenly.

Their eyes meet and Isak doesn't know what to say. Even is smiling at him but it's different from yesterday or from the way he smiles at Lea. There is something teasing about it this time and Isak doesn't know what to think of it.

So he shrugs. And Even smiles a bit wider, even has to bite his bottom lip to stop himself.

Isak tries to ignore it.

"You're going swimming?!" Lea exclaims and Isak turns his attention back to her. "Can I come too?"

"If your brother is okay with it," Aurora says and they are both looking at him now.

"Sorry- what?"

"I'm going swimming at the municipal pool. If it's okay with you, I can take her with me today?"

The fact that she asks him and not their father doesn't get unnoticed. Aurora is attentive, and he appreciates the effort, but he can't help but be a jerk and wonder if her kindness may be hypocrisy or some kind of manipulation.

It's not, deep down he knows it.

But his father ruined all the trust he had in people a long time ago.

"I-"

"I need my swimsuit!" Lea interrupts him.

"Yeah, hm… I don't know where it is," he points out and it's true. Who needs a swimsuit in Norway in November, seriously? He's not even sure Lea has one.

"It's no problem. I can go to the store with Lea and buy what she needs. Would it be okay?" Aurora suggests.

"It is," his father intervenes but Aurora ignores him, keeps her eyes on Isak.

"Yeah, it is," he agrees finally. Again, Lea's happiness is all that matters.

Lea jumps from her chair and hugs him, overjoyed. He laughs, amused and a bit amazed by her excitement over a simple afternoon at the public pool.

"Alright, sunshine," he says and kisses her head.

"Can I get dressed?" She asks but she's already on her way to the stairs.

"Don't forget to brush your teeth!" He tells after her.

When he turns back to the table, Aurora and Even are smiling at him.

This time, it's fond and Isak doesn't understand it either.

 

×

 

The first couple of days are alright. Lea isn't back at school yet but she's always busy. Their father is working, which is a good thing since it means Isak doesn't see him much, but Aurora is a self-employed translator so she's home most of the time. Sometimes, Lea leaves him to sit in Aurora's office and she draws or reads in silence on the floor. When Aurora isn't working, she cooks with Lea, takes her at the swimming-pool or does artistic activities with her. It's something Isak quickly noticed about Aurora, and even Even, who's studying Fine Arts: they are artists, drawing, painting, playing musics, and probably more. And once again, he doesn't understand why Aurora is with his father - a man down-to-earth with no artistic flair.

It doesn't make any sense.

But Lea is happy. So Isak is okay - mostly.

Until his father gets home one night, stressed and tired, like always, but maybe more than usual. He's in a bad mood and Isak knows it's going to end badly. Fortunately, it's late and Lea is already sleeping so he won't feel guilty for arguing in front of her.

It starts with:

"Isak, maybe you should leave with Even tomorrow."

He's not taken aback. Isak was actually surprised his father took this long before starting to criticize his choice to drop out of University without thinking about a plan B.

"Even, you don't mind showing him around, right?"

Even glances at Isak and he's clearly ill-at-ease - it's his father's speciality.

"No, yeah, of course," he replies but his eyes are apologizing when he looks at Isak.

"The University of Bergen is excellent and they have a Faculty of Natural Sciences. Maybe if you talk to someone you can start again in January."

"I will see," Isak sighs.

This is not the answer his father wanted. He's getting tense in an instant and gets up from the couch, walking towards him. His father always considered that someone's worthiness was based on his diploma and his work. He doesn't like people who fail. He doesn't like people who does nothing. And when it comes to his son - a son he barely raised and abandoned, though - he doesn't tolerate failure nor laziness.

"You won't stay here and do nothing," his father says, almost like a promise. Or maybe a threat.

"Terje," Aurora calls him but he ignores her.

"I'm taking care of Lea. That's why I came here, and you know it," Isak retorts, standing up as well. "And don't worry, I can find a job and pay a rent."

"You don't have to pay for anything," Aurora intervenes again. "It's your home, too, now." Isak doesn't know if he likes the sound of it.

His father shakes his head. "She doesn't need you to take care of her. I'm here, it's my job."

And that makes Isak suddenly tremble with anger. Because how dares he say such a thing now?

" _You_? Taking care of her? Are you kidding me? Where were you these past few years then?"

"She was with her mother, I-"

"Don't start lying," he cuts him off. "You know she wasn't capable of taking care of Lea. She was sick, that's literally why you left! You know who took care of Lea? Me! I did! I did while still being at school. I did it all _by myself_."

His father scoffs and Isak is this close to throw a punch at his face.

"Oh yeah? And were you taking care of her when you got into trouble? When you got yourself into fights?"

Isak clenches his teeth. Shortly after their father left for Bergen, Isak started looking for problems and he got involved in some fights. He was just so angry, he didn't know how to deal with his feelings anymore. It was stupid and after he ended up at the hospital with a doctor explaining to him that he almost got a rib broken and punctured a lung, he stopped his bullshit. If anything happened to him, Lea would be all alone, and that was unacceptable.

It was a long time ago but of course his father would use it against him.

"What's this scar on your arm?" His father keeps talking, pointing at the mark on his skin. "You got it in one of your fights, right?"

Isak's whole body freezes.

For a short moment, he has only one idea in mind: take his things and run away with Lea. But his reason reminds him that it's foolish and pointless, that he would lose her if he did it. And then he remembers that he no longer has anyone to protect from the truth now, since his mother is gone forever. He can say it. He's gonna say it- just to confront his father with his responsibilities.

So maybe once in his life he'll feel guilty for hurting his children.

"No, I didn't get this scar from a fight," Isak speaks, slow and calm, and it catches his father's attention.

"What?"

"Wanna know who did this to me?"

His father doesn't reply but Isak can see the dread creeping on his face, a proof that he understood it by himself. Still, Isak wants to say the words out loud, wants him to know the details and wants Aurora and Even to know what kind of man his father really is.

So he confesses, "mum did it to me. One day, she was in a really bad place. Lea was sleeping at her friend's place and mum forgot. Forgot where Lea was and also forgot _who_ I was. She thought I was you, coming to take Lea away from her. So she panicked. I couldn't get through her and-"

"Isak," his father tries to interrupt.

"No, listen to me. Listen how I got this scar!" Isak starts to raise his voice. "She thought I was you, the man who left his mentally ill wife and his children all by themselves. She kept yelling _give me back my babies, give me back Lea, give me back Isak_. She wouldn't listen to me. So I turned my back to leave her alone, thinking she would calm down, but then she pushed me, hard. So hard that I fell on the coffee table. You know, our glass coffee table? It shattered and I got a piece in my arm - that's where my scar comes from. I didn't want to go to the hospital because I was scared they would lock her up so I went to my friend's house, who's father is a surgeon and I lied to everyone, said I just fell and didn't know if I really had to go to the emergency room. Do you want to know how many stitches I got? Or do you want to know how many scars I got from fights and how many from mum's crises? Or-"

"Isak, please, stop," his father begs him and this time Isak does.

His father actually looks in pain and he's shaking. Isak doesn't even feel good about it. If anything, he feels worse and he can't look at Aurora or Even in the eyes.

It was a bad idea. Why did he talk about this?

"Isak, I'm so sorry, I didn't-"

He doesn't listen the end of his useless apologies. He can feel a sob in his throat and there is no way he's going to let himself cry in front of his father, in front of his father's brand new family. He's not that pathetic.

So he leaves the room and no one calls after him. He runs upstairs, runs to the guestroom, where he's relieved to see Lea is still sleeping.

He sits on the floor, closes his eyes and tries to breath, tries not to cry.

The house is silent for a very long time-

-Until there are screams.

Isak recognizes his father's voice, of course, but the louder one belongs to Aurora.

He remembers how he used to fall asleep with his parents' fighting in the middle of the night and tonight, it's almost comforting.

 

×

 

The next days are for the least uncomfortable. Isak doesn't talk to his father again but he can feel the man staring at him every time they are in the same room, which thankfully happens less and less often since Isak tries to avoid everyone who isn't Lea. He feels guilty and he can't bear Aurora's sad eyes on him either. She speaks so kindly to him, she's so patient… He doesn't understand why she keeps putting up with him, why she isn't mad at him when he's the one responsible for creating problems in her own relationship. The only rational reason he came up with is the same as before; pity, always pity.

But as much as Isak hates it, it's not the worse.

The worse is Lea starting to have trouble sleeping as well. Isak can't know for sure if it's because of all the awkwardness and the constant tension in the house but he can't help but think she can feel it and that's why she can't sleep at night anymore, or when she does,  wakes up in the middle of the night sobbing because of a nightmare. And she won't ever tell him what it was about.

Isak has an idea though.

The only person who doesn't treat him any different is Even. He's not overly considerate (or let's say, not more than he's always been since they arrived) and he doesn't seem angry at him either. He's just… He smiles at him if they run into each other, makes a few jokes sometimes when Lea is here to hear it too but in the end, their interactions remain short and polite.

Sometimes, he feels Even's gaze on him - he swears he does. But when he looks up, Even is already looking away.

That being said, until Lea wakes up crying again one night and Isak spends one hour trying to smooth her before she can finally fall back asleep. After that, Isak is way too shaken to stay in bed and pretend he's ever going to sleep too, so he leaves the bedroom and ends up sitting on a lounger in the freezing garden.

That's where Even finds him.

"Can't sleep?" He asks, startling him. It's around three in the morning, Isak really didn't expect anyone to follow him.

"Did I wake you?"

Even takes a sit beside him and lights himself a cigarette. "No, don't worry. Couldn't sleep, too… Restless, I guess. I heard your footsteps and I figured I could use some company."

He didn't say _you_ _could use some company_ and Isak is grateful for it.

"Okay."

"And you, what's your excuse?"

"What?"

"Why aren't you sleeping?"

"When do I ever," he surprises himself to joke. What the fuck. He clears his throat, adds more seriously, "insomnia, the usual. But Lea is having nightmares these days so…"

"She does?" Even says, looking way too worried for someone who didn't even know her two weeks ago. For lack of a relevant reply, Isak shrugs. "Do you have nightmares too?" Even asks then and Isak really doesn't want to answer this question.

So he doesn't.

For a while, they are both silent. Even smokes his cigarette and Isak ends up watching him out of the corner of his eye. His hair isn't styled but he still has this incredible cool vibe coming from him and when he takes a drag, his jawline is sharp and Isak can't stop staring at him.

But then he starts to think about the fight - again - and he feels a pang of guilt taking him by surprise.

"I'm sorry about the other night," he has to tell Even, who frowns at him like he doesn't understand what Isak is talking about. "I shouldn't have said anything. At least not in front of you and your mother. I just…" _I was angry and hurt_ , he wants to say but doesn't. "I didn't mean to create tension between your mother and my dad. She's been so great with us and… Yeah, I'm sorry for everything."

"Please, don't apologize," Even says firmly and crushes his cigarette butt in an ashtray next to him. "You deserves to talk about what happened to you. This is-"

"I don't want to talk about it," Isak cuts him off. Feels remorseful for doing so but he really can't talk about it. "I just wanted to say sorry for barging into your lives and for them fighting in front of you and all."

"You don't need to," he insists. "But don't worry anyway. I've seen worse."

"Fights?" Isak picks up. "Between them?"

"No," Even shakes his head slowly, looks away. "Not between them."

The way he says it sounds final and Isak isn't one to push so he doesn't ask what it means.

They don't talk much after that but they stay longer than they should, sitting together in the cold.

 

×

 

Lea's been back at school for a week and she's already made lots of friends, because she's everything Isak isn't - joyful, sociable and extrovert. Still, she's not sleeping better and every night, she gets more and more scared to go to bed. He doesn't know how to help, especially considering he's not exactly sleeping either… He even asked Aurora to talk to her, because if she can help in some way with Lea's mourning of their mother or whatever's going on with his little sister, then Isak is fine with it. But so far, nothing worked.

Now, it's Sunday night, his father and Aurora are watching television in the living room and Isak just finished doing the dishes. He's already dreading the moment where he will have to put his sister to bed and try to convince her maybe this time she's not going to dream of _her_. Maybe this time it's going to be alright.

He hates lying to her.

But then, he gets upstairs and he hears noise coming from Lea's bedroom - music, maybe. The door is slightly opened and there is light filtering.

He waits, listens carefully; he's pretty sure he can hear guitar and-

Even's voice? Even's _singing_?

Isak has to take a look.

 

_[The other night dear, as I lay sleeping](https://open.spotify.com/track/76pllrWpfiCoLGhijQBYhO) _

_I dreamed I held you in my arms_

 

Even is sitting in the desk chair next to the bed, playing guitar and singing softly - to Lea, who's lying in bed, eyes closed but maybe not sleeping yet, he can't tell from here.

 

_But when I awoke, dear, I was mistaken_

_So I hung my head and I cried_

 

Even's voice is so deep and the way he sings in english does things to Isak, sends shivers along his spine. He doesn't notice Isak watching him, his attention focused on the strings he's brushing. The bedside lamp is the only source of light, and it gives a warm and intimate atmosphere to the whole scene. Isak can't look away from the young man; he's mesmerized.

 

_You are my sunshine, my only sunshine_

_You make me happy when skies are gray_

_You'll never know dear, how much I love you_

_Please don't take my sunshine away_

 

Even sings these lines a few times and Isak swears he knows this song. The lyrics are sad, so sad, but still, Even has a tiny smile on his lips every time he sings the chorus. It's beautiful.

Even is beautiful.

 

_Please don't take my sunshine away_

 

He whispers one last time and then the last notes go decrescendo, until he stops playing. Lea doesn't move. She's _sleeping_.

"I got the idea when I heard you call her sunshine," Even says, not looking at him, and Isak startles. He knew he was here, listening to him on the doorstep?

"I think I know this song," Isak murmurs, for lack of better.

This time, Even turns his head in his direction and gives him a small smile as he tells him, "probably, yes. It's Johnny Cash. Quite famous song."

Isak nods. Apart from hip-hop and rap, he doesn't really know much about music. Jonas is the one with the great musical references.

"Thank you."

"For what?"

"For helping Lea falling asleep. It seems to work."

"It's my pleasure," Even smiles.

He gets up from the chair, his guitar in one hand, and walks to the bedroom's door - to Isak.

"Good night, Isak," he bends slightly and whispers to him, so close to his ear that Isak can feel his breathe caressing his skin.

He shivers, once again, and gulps slowly.

"Yeah, hm… Good night," Isak returns and hates his shaking voice. What's happening to him? It's ridiculous.

He almost startles again when he feels fingertips - _Even's_ fingertips - on his wrist, a slight pressure on his pulse point. He holds his breath, can't bring himself to look up and meet Even's eyes. His heart is pounding fast in his chest, meaning Even can _feel it_ too, right on the tip of his fingers. It's embarrassing, the obvious and surprising effect he has on him, and yet Isak can't even move. He's frozen in place, freaking out but also, deep down enjoying the tender touch - so much, _too_ much.

"Sweet dreams," Even breathes, brushes his fingers gently on Isak's thin skin of his wrist one last time before leaving the room.

It takes Isak way too long to remember how to exhale.

 

×

 

Something changes after that night.

Isak starts to notice these small things about Even - his pulp lips and his white teeth, the way his eyes almost close when he smiles wide or bursts into laughter, his insanely long legs and the dozens of layers he always wears even inside the house, how he can look smoking-hot with his stupid hairstyle and then so soft and younger with strand of hair falling on his forehead.

He's handsome and Isak kind of hates himself for thinking it.

Not because he's a guy - he's way past that point now - but because he makes him feel things and it's the worst time ever. He can't be a blushing mess when Even teases him or brushes his hand against his in the hallway. He can't let himself be vulnerable for someone when he's already feeling way too crushed. Too heartbroken.

He doesn't know if he could survive one more hardship after these past months - hell, these past _years_. He feels like if he loses - gives - one more piece of himself, he's going to shatter completely.

And it's scary. Especially as he's trying hard to hold up for Lea.

So he tries to avoid Even, to act cold and distant again but it seems too late already. It's like Even figured out he's been putting on an act since he arrived. No matter how hard he tries to ignore him or to give him sharp answers, the older man is perfectly unimpressed. He keeps smiling, keeps making jokes, keeps teasing him and even _fucking_ touching him - a hand on his back when he walks behind him in the kitchen, fingers lingering too long as he hands him the salt during diner. It's driving him crazy.

And the worst thing is, Isak can't even bring himself to ask him to stop. He knows Even would, instantly, if he tells him he's uncomfortable. But he doesn't say anything and…

Well, it's on him.

 

×

 

Truth to be told, Isak doesn't leave the house much apart from trips to the groceries store a few blocks away. He spends his daytime taking care of the housework, because he doesn't want to be that guy doing nothing; watches Netflix and reads too - books from the courses he dropped out. But still. He's starting to lose his mind inside this house and it hurts to admit it but maybe his father was somewhat right about him trying to enroll in University in January. He has even considered looking for a job for real, if not to pay rent, at least to keep himself busy.

And after all, he has to do _something_ while Lea isn't home.

Even must have noticed the way he grows restless because, he doesn't suggest to take him to University with him like Isak's father asked him too in the past, but it's close.

Kind of?

"I'm done at 3:00 today. Come pick me up at Uni and I'll show you around Bergen," Even tells him as they are having breakfast one morning.

Isak can see Aurora's smile in the corner of his eyes and suddenly he feels very self-conscious. Did she notice his awkward behavior around Even? Did she notice _Even's_ flirty attitude around him?

"It's a good idea," his father intervenes - because _of course_ he has to. But Aurora gives him a pointed look and he doesn't add anything so Isak decides to just ignore him.

"Yeah, okay," he agrees.

Even smirks.

Isak hates it.

Half an hour later, Even tells him, "so see you this afternoon," as he's about to leave to take the bus. Isak nods and rolls his eyes for good measure. "Perfect. It's a date," Even concludes, winks at him and then leaves the house.

Isak stares at the front door for a good ten minutes.

What the fuck.

 

×

 

Even has a bright grin on his face when they meet after his last class.

"We should go hiking in the Spring," he says as they are walking on the snow-covered sidewalk. "It's beautiful, here. Winter is hard and I prefer Oslo at this time of the year but it worths it when Spring and Summer come."

"You used to live in Oslo?"

"Yes, I grew up there. I left two years ago."

"Right." Two years ago, of course, when his own father left too. It makes sense. "Why did you leave Oslo?"

"Do you want a coffee?" Even changes of subject. Isak tries to look at him in the eye but the other man won't let him. "Come on, I know a great place."

He insists on paying coffee for the both of them but they don't sit inside. Instead, they walk in the streets, until they get to the sea and Bergen's port. They drink in silence for a while, watching the boats almost frozen in the water.

"My parents got divorced," Even says at some point and Isak realises he's answering his previous question. His face is impassive but his voice betrays him anyway. It isn't a subject he likes to linger on, clearly. "And it's been hard for me for awhile… To finally graduate from high school and stuff. Because I had to repeat and… Anyway, we decided to leave Oslo. My mother could work anywhere and I got accepted at Bergen so it was perfect for us."

"A fresh start," Isak comments.

"Yeah, exactly," he nods. "But then my mum met your father and… Well, in the end, we all left."

"Did you know?" Isak can't help but ask. "About Lea and me? About my mother?"

Even throws both of their empty coffee cups in an outside bin before turning to him. "My mother told me. Terje explained his situation in the very beginning of their relationship. So, yeah, I knew what he did to you."

Isak expected him to look sorry for him, like most people do, but he finds no pity in his eyes. It's actually a relief.

It also makes him wonder what happened exactly in Even's life for him to know he doesn't have to act too sympathetic or worse, somewhat crushed on people's behalf.

"I don't understand why your mother is with him, to be honest," Isak confesses. "She's so kind and empathic. I… I don't get it."

Even shrugs, looks at the water, meditative.

"Let's say," he speaks after a little while, "your father's behavior was selfish and irresponsible. It was deeply unfair to you, your sister and your mother. But deep down, he's not a bad guy."

Isak clenches his fists. He knows Even is right, in some way. His father asked Lea and him to live with him after he left their mother. When they refused, he didn't force them. Instead, he sent money and gave therapist recommendations in case their mother decided to finally take her treatment. He left but he didn't disappear, like some men do.

But still. Isak is so used to have his father playing the villain in his story that it's hard to think of him as "not a bad guy". Because in the end, if Isak feels this damaged, it's mostly because of him…

"What about your father?" Isak asks then.

He can see Even's expression harden, his jaw contracts and his eyes darken.

Oh. _This is_ the reason.

"He's… He's a bad guy," Even explains slowly. "The kind that makes your father almost a good one in comparison."

Isak doesn't dare ask for more explanations. It's enough. If Even - genuine, kind, lovely Even - thinks of Terje as almost a good guy and if Aurora can love him despite everything he's done in the past to his family, it means Even's father is definitely the real villain.

The kind you can barely talk about.

So: "Okay," Isak whispers. "I get it."

They stop talking after that. It's getting darker and even colder, but they stay standing in silence by the water. Isak starts to shiver but he doesn't even care, just wants to stay like this with Even a bit longer.

"Are you cold?"

Isak shakes his head, neither a yes nor a no.

And then, Even takes his hand. He's wearing gloves, but not Isak, and he noticed, because he intertwines their fingers and put their hands in his coat pocket - to keep him warm, Isak realises.

It doesn't make any sense, but, Isak swears his heart gets warmer, too.

 

×

 

A week later, Jonas comes visit. It's quite unexpected; Friday morning, Isak gets a text from his best friend asking if he's busy this week-end and by the end of the day, Isak is picking him up from the train station.

It's spontaneous but it's good to see him again. _So_ good.

"I can't believe you're here," Isak laughs. They are sitting under the porch of the house, sharing a joint - neighbours and his father who's working anyway be damned. "What is this? Why are you here?"

"Are you serious?!" Jonas exclaims, raising a judgmental eyebrow at him. "You're asking _me_ why I'm here? I wanted to see my best friend, what do you think? I miss you, dickhead. Oslo sucks without you."

Isak is touched by his friend's words. He had missed his best friend very much, of course he did. They've known each other their entire lives, ever since kindergarten, thanks to their family names - Valtersen and Vasquez having to sit next to each other. For a very long time, as his life was falling apart, Isak thought Jonas was the only good thing in his life. And truth to be told, he isn't sure he really stopped thinking that way. He's just learnt to not make everything rest on their friendship - it wasn't fair, for either of them.

So it's always been clear to him Jonas was essential in his life. He's never realized it could be the same for his best friend though.

"You can hang out with Magnus and Mahdi all the time now," Isak teases him, because if not he's going to get way too emotional and sappy. And that's definitely not a good idea.

"It's not the same and you know it," Jonas retorts, takes a drag on the joint. "And by the way, the boys couldn't come because it was at the last minute, they had classes today and exams coming up and all that but… They really miss you too."

"Shut up."

"It's true! Magnus is thinking about transferring to UiB to be with you. And you know what? Since I got dumped by Eva, _again_ , I'm starting to consider to come here too. Get out of Oslo for a change."

"Jonas, come on!"

"I swear!" Jonas yells and then starts laughing, a bit nervously though. "I'm serious. Why is it so hard for you to believe your friends actually miss you?"

Isak is speechless after that question. Why, indeed? He just… The day he left Oslo, he couldn't let himself believe he would keep his friends. If they weren't in the same city, sharing the same lunch break in the same cafeteria at the same university, or hanging out at the same parties, then his friends would have no reason to stay in touch with him. Or to care about him.

Honestly, he doesn't understand - what do his friends see in him? What do they like about him enough to miss him?

"Anyway," Jonas changes of subject, like he always does when he feels Isak is uncomfortable. Because he's the best best friend ever. Always been, always will, it seems. "I guess I shouldn't ask about your dad…"

"You're right. And give me that joint, you're smoking everything on your own!"

"I know. Here, take it grumpy! So, what about his girlfriend? And you talked about a son?"

Isak takes a drag, tries not to think too much about Even and their weird intimate moment at the harbor. He doesn't feel ready to tell Jonas, can't even understand what the fuck is going on so…

"Aurora is great, actually. I feel like I should hate her, you know, because she's the other woman? Or, no, not really, it was after my father took off but… She's really great and really good for my sister so I can't not like her."

"You don't have to feel guilty, about your mother and-"

"I don't," Isak cuts him off immediately. They are _not_ going down that road.

"Okay," Jonas says, patient, always. "And her son?"

"Yeah, Even," he replies and hopes neither his voice nor his face are going to betray him. No blushing. No stuttering. Nothing. He needs to stay calm and detached. "He's two years older, really cool too. Lea likes him."

"That's good," Jonas nods. They finish the joint, then, Jonas stands up and walks to the pavement to drop the butt into a drain grid. When he comes back, he doesn't sit back.

"What? Why are you staring at me?"

He shrugs. "I'm just glad to see you, man."

"Oh no! What the fuck. Don't get all sentimental on me!"

"Stop acting all tough and cold, this is bullshits."

"It's not. I'm a tough guy."

"Yeah, right," Jonas rolls his eyes at him. And, _how dares he_?!

"Don't do that! This is my thing!"

"What's yours is mine too."

"What," Isak bursts into laughter.

"Okay, I admit this one was too much," Jonas laughs too. "But drop this act, would you? And come here."

"Why?"

"I think after all of this, you need a hug."

"No. No, no, no. I don't."

"Yes, you do."

He _does_. And he gets his hug.

It's awkward, at first, because they've never been the kind of best friends who share physical affectionate gestures. Isak is used to give quick hug to greet his friends and Magnus is very touchy-feely, even more when he's drunk, but it's not exactly what Isak and Jonas are used to do.

The last time Jonas hugged him, actually, was the day his father left and his mother had a mental breakdown. After that, Isak forbade himself to be this vulnerable ever again. He wouldn't call his best friend so he could hold him while he cries anymore. He wouldn't cry _at all_.

Jonas didn't hug him at his mother's funeral (and he didn't cry either), so it was weird he does it now, but also…

It's good - to realise you can share that kind of embrace with your best friend just because you missed each other; to not feel broken while doing it, for once.

"Is it that terrible?" Jonas jokes, still holding him.

"No," Isak smiles. "It's not."

"See?" Jonas must want to kiss the top of his head but since he's smaller than him, it ends up on his ear and this is ridiculous. His friend is ridiculous. "I was-"

"Hm, hi?"

Isak doesn't need to see him to know it's Even, who's probably coming back from university. Jonas and him separate, and Isak doesn't even know why he's feeling nervous now but _he is_.

"Even, hey. Hm… This is Jonas. And Jonas, this Even," Isak makes the introductions. And something's wrong. Even isn't looking at him. Why isn't he looking at him?

"Nice to meet you, man!" Jonas smiles at him. But Even doesn't, which is… Unexpected? He barely glances at him.

"Jonas is staying for the weekend."

"Okay," Even replies, his face emotionless. "I just- I need to get inside, so…"

"Oh."

They move to the side so Even can access the front door.

"Sorry for the interruption. Just… Pick up where you left off," Even says before getting inside the house.

What the fuck.

"Bad mood?" Jonas asks with a raised eyebrow.

Isak shrugs.

He has never seen Even like that. He's always been kind and warm with Lea and him. So what's going on now?

Even's behaviour doesn't make any sense. Isak thought he knew him better now but it seems like Isak doesn't understand anything or anyone - even more than usual, _obviously_.

 

×

 

Aurora is delighted to meet Jonas, Terje forces a smile and Lea… Well, Lea is, to say the least, euphoric. She jumps on him - literally - the second she spots him and doesn't leave his side after that, even insists on sitting next to him during diner, which is usually Isak' _s_ place.

Even doesn't say a word, not a single one and Isak can't figure out why. He doesn't even manage to meet his eyes or to read any kind of emotions on his face. He doesn't know if Even has a problem with Jonas, even though it wouldn't make any sense, or if something happened today.

Like always, Isak feels helpless.

"Can we build a blanket fort?" Lea asks after diner, as they clear the table. "Jonas? Please?"

"Why Jonas?" Isak intervenes, pretends to be offended (okay, maybe he really is, a little bit).

"Jonas is the best, duh," Lea retorts, way too sassy for a eight-year-old.

"She's right," Jonas nods with a smug smile. _Of course_.

"Shut up," Isak whispers and rolls his eyes. "Anyway. I'm sorry sunshine, but there is definitely not enough room to build a blanket fort in our bedroom."

Lea makes the most disappointed face he's ever seen and fuck, she's a threat.

"But that's what we always do!" She complains.

"Yeah, maybe, at Jonas' place," he argues.

She's back to pouting and it's awful but Isak isn't lying; there is no place in their bedroom to build a freaking blanket fort.

But then, the unthinkable happens.

Even starts to talk again.

"You can do it in my room, I don't mind," he shrugs. "Anything for Lea."

Isak's never been this close to walk to him and kiss him. Seriously. Even after his shitty behaviour with his best friend. It's weird but his dedication to Lea is… It works for him, alright?

So that's how they end up in Even's bedroom with the chairs they stole from the dining-room and a lot of extra blankets and pillows. Even helps but mostly interacts with Lea, so he's still being weird. Isak doesn't want to think about it anymore though so he enjoys his night with Jonas et Lea.

Every time he spent the night at the Vasquez house with Lea, they used to build a blanket fort with Jonas and her own little sister, Thea, and fell asleep in it.

It's one of his favorite childhood memory. When they were all together inside their cozy home, the world seemed very far away and he felt perfectly safe - for once.

He hopes it's the same for Lea.

 

×

 

Lea falls asleep in the blanket fort after two hours of board games. Which is good, because at least she's sleeping. But also, Isak's scared to wake her up by moving her into their bedroom. And Even must be feeling the same because as Isak and Jonas start talking strategies to transfer her, he suggests, "she can sleep here, I don't mind."

And then, "and you two can be alone together."

Isak feels Jonas staring at him but he decides to ignore him for now. They can't have one of their silent conversations in front of Even. His best friend would figure out his feelings right away. Like he always does.

"Hm… Okay? Thanks? But you know it's no problem, we are used to sleepover with her."

"It's fine, really," Even insists, not meeting his eyes - again - and his voice far from warm. And yet his actions are still so… Him?

"Okay, then," he sighs. "Good night, Even."

"Yeah, good night."

Isak starts to really feel like shit and he's too tired to pretend, to try to not make a face when he leaves the room and walks to his bedroom with Jonas. Even is still the nicest with Lea but he didn't say a word to Jonas all night and even if he wasn't mean or anything, he was still so distant with Isak… It's not him. It's not the boy who tease him gently and always try to make him smile. It's not the boy who took his hand and hold it inside his pocket to keep him warm.

What happened?

Isak closes the door behind them, defeated, while Jonas jumps on the bed and rolls on his front, leaning on his elbows.

"Isak," he says, "is there something between Even and you?"

He almost chokes on his own saliva (okay, maybe he really does). He knew Jonas would ask questions but he didn't think it would be _that_ question.

"What? No! Why are you asking?"

"Come on," Jonas raises an eyebrow. "He's acting like a jealous boyfriend. Or like, an almost-boyfriend because if he was already, he probably wouldn't act all passive-aggressive, acting pissed off and then letting Lea sleep in his room so we can bang in the other room."

"What the fuck?! We are _not_ banging, what-"

"I know, thank you very much," Jonas interrupts him. "But obviously, he thinks we do. And if I didn't know you this well, I'd think he made a move on you. Except you told him we were together and now his ego is hurt."

"What are you talking about, that's not what happened, he-" Isak tries again but his best friend doesn't let him finish - again.

"I know. I know because I know _you_ and clearly you like him. There's no way you rejected him," Jonas says and smirks. Smug bastard.

"Shut up," Isak rolls his eyes at him. "I don't like _like_ him."

"Are you really going to lie to me? You promised you wouldn't do it again."

Right. Isak used to lie so much to his best friend before coming out that after he finally got his shit together and spoke to his friends, he promised Jonas he wouldn't hide anything from him anymore.

" _Fine_ ," he sighs, exasperated. "You're a pain in my ass, I swear-"

"No, I'm not, but I bet you'd like Even to be-"

"You're not finishing this," Isak cuts him off and tries to be menacing, which obviously doesn't work because Jonas starts to laugh at his face. "Are you done?"

"Isak, this is the first time you're crushing on a guy, I'm far from being done," his terrible best friend teases him. "I wish Magnus were here. He'd love it."

Fuck this, seriously.

"There is nothing going on between Even and me."

"Yet," Jonas adds with a smile. "And you know what? There is. You're just too dense to see it. You can't even tell when someone flirts with you in a bar, how you would know with someone who lives with you."

"Fuck off," he says and throws a pillow at his best friend's face because he's a child, apparently.

"You know I'm right."

He _isn't_. Jonas is wrong.

Is he?

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It was supposed to be a one-shot to clear my mind beside my WIP and it became this huge work, way too long... Oups.
> 
> Please, tell me what you think while I write the second part! 
> 
> Have a nice day <3


	2. stronger together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You're right."  
> "Hm?"  
> "It's really good to hear it."  
> "Let me say it to you everyday then."
> 
> ×
> 
> Here's the second part!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This second part contains much more detailed dialogues on the heavy subjects mentioned before, but it's still not graphic.
> 
> Paradoxically this is also much more fluffy. And I put the rather explicit sexual scene between "×××" if you want to skip it. This is the first time I write something this explicit so I hope it's not terrible, haha.
> 
> Hope you like it and see you in the end notes!

Jonas leaves Sunday morning.

It's awful to let him go but at least this weekend reminded him that his friends care about him and that a train trip to Oslo to see them isn't much.

Maybe he didn't lose everything after all.

So Jonas is gone but it still takes Even two days to decide he wants to start talking to Isak again and it's the longest of his life. He should be mad at him but really, he's just relieved when Even finally comes back home and smiles at him - a tiny one, but still. After almost five terrible days of Even giving him the cold shoulder, Isak is thankful.

And then, Even asks _that_ question.

"So uh… How long have you been with Jonas?"

What the fuck.

"What?!"

Even stares at him, unsettled. But Isak bets he's more disconcerted than him right now.

"You… You think I'm dating Jonas?"

"You're not?"

" _No_! Of course not!" Isak has to exclaim. Okay, maybe he entertained the idea years ago for like… A second. But now it just seems disgusting.

No offense, Jonas.

"It's my best friend since forever," he adds. "He's not… I'm not… Ugh."

"Wow, okay," Even laughs and Isak really missed it. It's so good to hear it again. Why did it stop exactly? "I thought… You were hugging and like, almost kissing when I saw you on Friday."

"Kissing? _No. Way._ "

"And you were so close the whole weekend. Lea loves him too, so…"

"We were close because he's my best friend, Even, like I said, since kindergarten. And Lea loves him because she's known him since she was born. We used to stay at his place when it was bad at home. If anything else, he's a brother to me - to us," Isak explains and Even nods.

"Alright," he smiles, "good."

"Good?"

Even doesn't elabore. He repeats, "yeah, good," with a teasing smile and then he arches an eyebrow at him before walking to the stairs.

 _Fuck_.

Jonas was right. Was he? Or, at least, he understands now what Jonas meant. The second Even learns he's not dating Jonas, he's back to being his smily and teasy self. It's not a coincidence, is it?

And thinking back now to their walk in Bergen… Even called it a date, right? Isak thought it was a joke but what if… That would explain Even's reaction if he thought Isak was actually already dating someone else.

 _Fuck_.

And now Isak doesn't know what to believe. Or, rather, he doesn't _dare_ to believe it. Because what if he's wrong?

What if he's _right_?

 

×

 

Things are more or less back to normal after that. More or less, because, even if Even acts like nothing happened, Isak on his part can't help but question every moment he spends with him. He starts to think - or more like, overthink - every smile, every touch, every word coming from Even. But in the end, it doesn't help him figuring out what are Even's thoughts and feelings.

The next time they hang out together outside the house, it's a week after Jonas' visit. It's December, it's snowing and there is Christmas' decorations everywhere in town. There is also the Christmas market and that's where Even asks him to come with him.

They aren't alone though. Even brings Lea with them too and Isak doesn't know what it means.

They get hot chocolates and cakes - Pepperkaker and Berlinerkranser that Lea convinces Even to teach her how to cook back at home - as they walk around the stalls of food, wooden toys or wool garments; Lea bouncing everywhere with excitement. They take a break next to the skating rink and Lea watches people sliding along the ice with stars in her eyes.

Isak realizes then, that Lea never had a proper Christmas, not a single one that she can remember at least. She was five when their father left and even before that, Isak is pretty sure year's end celebrations were already a mess, with their father being anything but in a festive mood and their mother dragging them at Church and reciting the Bible all day long to "clear them from their sins". Isak himself forgot how Christmas could actually be a nice time of the year.

That's why he's so happy to see Lea like this. He's also glad to have Aurora, who gave Lea her first homemade Advent calendar with small gifts and candies at the beginning of the month, who brought her a Santa hat yesterday and who asked Isak advices on her ideas for Lea's Christmas gifts.

It's going to be her first real Christmas and Isak hopes it won't be the last.

Later, they run into one of Lea's friend from school with her parents and they offer to take Lea skating with them. Even and him stay by the rink, watching her skating with her friend, falling and laughing and getting better at it after some practice.

"It's been a really nice afternoon, don't you think?" Even asks suddenly. When Isak turns to him, Even is already looking at him with a soft smile.

"Uh, yeah, sure. Lea had lots of fun."

"What about you?"

"What?"

"Did you have fun?"

He doesn't know why Even cares, why it seems to matter that much to him. He thought it was about Lea, not about him.

"Yes," Isak nods eventually. "I had fun too."

"Good," Even grins, and, he's doing it again. Saying _good_ like he knows something Isak doesn't and then moving on. Honestly, it's really starting to get on his nerves.

What's going on?

"Even," he says, takes a deep breath, "what is it about? Like, seriously?"

He can see Even hesitate, opening his mouth, changing his mind, closing it without saying anything. He glances at Lea on the ice, then at the ground, then finally back at Isak.

In the end, Even clears his voice, his confidence diminished, before speaking; asking, "can we talk tonight?"

"Why can't we talk now?"

"No, not now, not here," Even shakes his head. "Please?"

And really, how Isak is supposed to say no when Even is looking at him with his blue imploring eyes? With snow on his red beanie, wrapped up in all his layers of clothes and his warm parka, his cheekbones and the tip of his nose red from the cold, looking softer and younger than ever.

He's always so beautiful, in every way possible, and Isak can't deny him anything so...

"Okay. Tonight, then."

Even thanks him with a smile and Isak tries to ignore the way their hands brush, the way their fingers touch, almost grabbing.

 _Tonight_. He can wait a bit longer.

 

×

 

Isak meets him in his bedroom after Lea fell asleep on her own, no lullaby this time. The blanket fort is still standing in the middle of the room and Isak almost laughs when he realises Even is sitting inside, a dim light creating shadows on the blankets. Almost, because the second he closes the door, he hears music. And it's not guitar this time, but piano.

He gets on his knees and crawls inside the blanket fort. Even is sitting crossed legs with an electric piano in front of him, strand of hair falling on his forehead, looking soft and warm in his grey sweatshirt - no, Isak's sweatshirt, he realises. And he's playing.

He doesn't look at Isak but he smiles softly, before he starts singing.

 

_[Mr. Sandman, bring me a dream](https://open.spotify.com/track/1ibQiWl2i50MGt3SpRuE0D) _

_Make him the cutest that I've ever seen_

_Give him two lips like roses and clover_

_Then tell him that his lonesome nights are over_

 

Isak holds his breath, listens carefully. He knows that song. It's not the kind he listens to but it's the kind he heard hundreds of time in movies.

The way Even sings though, is different; slower, softer and more…

Melancholic.

 

_Sandman, I'm so alone_

_Don't have nobody to call my own_

_Please turn on your magic beam_

_Mr. Sandman, bring me a dream_

 

His heart starts to hurt inside his chest. Even's songs are always so sad, he hopes it's not the only thing he sings to Lea to help her sleep - even though it doesn't really matter, since she doesn't understand english yet.

But it's the tone, it's the feelings in Even's voice…

At her place, Isak thinks, he couldn't fall asleep.

Because this song hits close to home. Him, who can't sleep and can't dream at night. Him, who thinks he has no one. Him, who wants so much more but doesn't dare ask, doesn't dare _hope_. Who wants, wants, wants-

And just once, would like something in return.

 

_Mr. Sandman, bring me a dream_

_Make him the cutest that I've ever seen_

_Give him the word that I'm not a rover_

_Then tell him that his lonesome nights are over_

 

He can't do anything to stop it, the torrent of emotions that overwhelms him. It's as if Even's voice has the power to dive into his soul and bring out all the wounds he's been trying to hide for years. Every time he felt powerless and couldn't find help. Every time he's been scared and hasn't had anyone to comfort him.

Every time he got hurt and couldn't cry.

 

_Sandman, I'm so alone_

_Don't have nobody to call my own_

_Please turn on your magic beam_

_Mr. Sandman, bring me a dream_

 

He doesn't realize he's crying before Even stops playing and turns to cradle his face in his hands, tenderly wiping his tears away with his thumb.

But then, panic and shame rise inside him and he tries to take a step back, to move away from Even. He can't stand Even seeing him like this, so weak, so....

"Isak, it's okay," he whispers, slides an arm around his waist to keep him in place. "Baby, you don't have to hide from me."

Even's still holding his face but he's also stroking his cheeks now. He pulls Isak closer to him and bends to kiss his forehead, then his temples, his cheekbones, even the tip of his nose. Isak can't breathe, can barely register what's happening. The panic begins to fade but now he's drowning in all this contradictory emotions and he doesn't know what to do with it.

Another sob escapes, he can't even control himself.

"Breathe, Isak, breathe," Even tells him. "Close your eyes and breathe."

So he does. He closes his eyes and tries to concentrate on his breathing, like Jonas taught him back when he was having panic attacks.

"It's going to be okay, Isak. You're safe. Just breathe."

It works, eventually. He gets his breathing under control, just like his pathetic weeping. He doesn't open his eyes though, still too ashamed to meet Even's blue concerned eyes. That's when he feels it-

Even's lips on his eyes, a soft kiss on each of his eyelids; like to drink his tears, heal his wounds and take away his pain.

It's so pure he feels like crying again.

"I'm sorry," Even says after a while and he's not touching Isak's face anymore. Isak opens his eyes to see him take a step back.

He frowns. "Why?"

"I didn't mean to…" He trails off.

"To what?" Isak raises his voice, his heart beating fast inside his chest. It's not panic rising anymore. It's anger. It's fear- mostly fear.

He didn't mean to do _what_?

Even sighs, then clears his voice, "you were upset and I… I shouldn't have touched you." He's the one looking sad now and Isak doesn't understand why.

"You didn't touch me, what are you talking about?"

"I did and I kissed you."

"No, you didn't," he repeats and it feels true. He didn't, not the way he wants him to, at least.

He knows what Even means, knows he's just being considered and perfect, like always, scared he took advantage of Isak when he was freaking out (and he _didn't_ ). But some insecure part of Isak tells him it's Even trying to walk away after seeing him like this, weak and vulnerable.

He can't help it.

"I'm fucking pathetic," Isak says out loud, which, he thinks, just proves his point.

"No you're not," Even argues. "You're strong. You're always so strong." He catches his eyes, blue meeting green. "But you don't have to be strong all the time."

"Except I do," he assures, voice shaking. "I do. Because if I'm not, who's going to be strong for Lea? Or even for me? I've always been alone, I can only count on myself." Even takes his hands and Isak represses a sigh. "I don't have the choice."

"No, you're wrong. You have it now."

"Why?"

"I'm sorry," Even apologies, again. "I'm sorry about my attitude towards Jonas. And you, of course. You, above all. I was unfair, selfish, jealous and just.... Everything I don't want to be. I want to be there for you and Lea." He pauses, shakes his head. "No. I'm _always_ gonna be there for you and Lea, no matter what, unconditionally. And without expectations."

Isak gets closer, until their knees touch. He wants nothing more than to believe him but he also feels Even isn't telling him everything.

Or maybe he just wishes there is more.

"What do you mean?"

"Isak," he says, looking sad again. "I guess it's pretty obvious by now but I like you. Like, really fucking like you. But I won't be the guy who makes you uncomfortable or promises to be there just to… To get what he wants. It's not me. My shitty behavior last week-end, it's not me either. I promise you, I just want you and Lea to be happy. That's what _without expectations_ mean, okay?"

And honestly, Isak can't believe there's a better person on Earth than Even Bech Næsheim. Nor can he believe that this wonderful human being not only likes him but also cares about him enough to promise him to be there even if his feelings aren't reciprocated.

How can he be this selfless?

How is he even real?

"Even", he murmurs and moves forward, until he's actually sitting on Even's thighs, hands on his waist. A shiver shakes his body but he can't tell if it's from him or Even, who lets out a gasp. In the movement, Isak's lips graze his before resting on the outer corner of his mouth; tempting, waiting. "The other day, the walk… Was it a date?"

He can feel Even smile again his jaw. He almost sighs when Even gets his arms around Isak again, and then starts to brush his curls at the nape of his hair.

"Maybe I was hoping it would be, yes," he confesses and runs his nose along his jaw.

Isak cups Even's face, makes their eyes meet. He's breathless when he loses himself in the blue and open look of this amazing young man, anticipation and excitement dancing inside his chest. He wants Even. And Even wants him.

It never happened to him before, but he craves it, can't imagine give it up now.

"Even," he says, takes a breath. Even smiles and bumps his nose against his. "Kiss me," Isak requests, blushing but ready for it, and Even does. Of course he does.

It's soft and slow at first, little kisses laid on every millimeter of his lips, delicate caresses that make Isak's heart flutter.

Then impatience grows, they both feel it, this feeling of _not enough, never enough_.

Even holds his face in his hands and kisses a bit harder, sucking on his bottom lip. Isak keeps up, kisses him back and holds him tighter.

Even starts running the tip of his tongue along his Cupid's bow, then his lower lip, until Isak makes an embarrassing sound that seems to spur Even even more and he opens his mouth for him. Their tongues meet and tangle; in a groan of relief, a rush of adrenaline, a spark of excitement. Their hands start moving as well, grabbing their clothes and grasping their bodies to get closer; always closer, never close enough. Isak slides his hands under Even's layers of clothing, just to feel the smooth and warm naked skin of his back under his fingers.

This is Even who breaks their kiss, not without pecking his lips a few last times, and they are both a little out of breath. They look at each other, blown pupils and flushed cheeks, and they smile at each other before hugging. Isak's fingers are still tangled in his hair as Even rests his forehead against his bare shoulder. In their embrace, he hadn't realized that his shirt had been pulled until his collarbone became visible. Even seems to take notice as well and he hurries to kiss his skin, biting and licking until it turns into a lovebite. Isak enjoys every second of it.

He hopes it leaves a bruise.

"Stay," Even whispers. "Stay the night."

Isak doesn't think long before agreeing.

 

×

 

It's kind of ridiculous, but Isak and Even decide to sleep in the blanket fort. They are intertwined in blankets, bodies pressed together from chest to toes, faces so close that they are sharing the same air.

It's a strange feeling for Isak, having someone hugging him for this long in a non-platonic way, but he loves it already. If he could, he would never leave the comfort of Even's arms.

"What do you think they would say, if they found us like that?" Isak asks. He doesn't really worry about his father's and Aurora's opinions per se, but he knows it's still a delicate situation. He can't exactly walk out of the bedroom tomorrow holding hands with Even in front of them, can he?

He wants Even, and Even wants him, but what if _they_ don't want them together?

"I don't know about your dad," Even answers, brushing his lips against the curls falling on Isak's forehead. "But concerning my mum, she knows and she doesn't care."

"What?" Isak raises his head to meet Even's eyes. "What do you mean, _she knows_?"

Even smiles at him then, pulls him closer, if it's even possible. "She knows me so well, of course she guessed right away. One day she came to me and told me, _you like that boy, don't you? well, I think he likes you too_ , and that was it."

Isak understands how Aurora would know about her son's feelings but he's a bit more surprised by the fact that she seemed to know about his, too.

He's not embarrassed though; not anymore. It doesn't matter. If anything, he's more doubtful about Aurora's lack of reaction to Even's interest in him - and vice versa. Could it really be that easy?

So he asks, skeptical, "just like that?"

"Sure," Even nods. "Or, maybe not. The next day she also asked me to be careful with you. She wanted you to feel safe and happy here, so, you know… It was her way of saying, _if you hurt him, you're dead_ ," he laughs.

"She should be telling me this, don't you think? You're his son after all."

"Yeah, but, like I said, she knows me. While she wasn't sure how you'd react, or how you'd feel. You'd just got here, it's… Intimidating enough. And you didn't really have your father to support you, so…" Even pauses, seeks for the right words. "She said, _a child shouldn't be afraid to go home_. That's what she wants for you and Lea. She knows I feel safe here, but she didn't know about you and she didn't want anything or anyone - including me - making you feel unsafe here. Does it make sense?"

For Isak, it makes perfect sense and maybe a bit too much sense, to think about it.

_A child shouldn't be afraid to go home._

He knows the feeling and he wonders how Aurora knew how important it was.

"Yeah, I understand."

He wonders how much Even himself is familiar with that feeling, too. He can't help but think about Even's father, the man who makes of his own father almost a good guy.

"Were you..." Isak whispers, taking the risk to ask. "Were you afraid to go home, when you were a child?"

He can feel Even's body tense immediately, his muscles contract and the arms around him go rigid. Even looks away to stare at Isak's sweat-shirt, shutting his eyes with a frown from time to time, like if he's trying to unsee some painful memories flowing in his mind.

Isak takes his hands to get him away from them.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked."

"No, it's okay," Even sighs, relax a little and leans to kiss Isak on his forehead. "I… I got lost for a second."

"We don't have to talk about it. Let's just forget it," Isak insists but he already knows by the look on Even's face that he won't move on from the subject.

"I want to," he states. "I just don't want you to think different of me."

Isak lets go of his hands, but only to get his own out of the blanket and on Even's face, stroking tenderly the strand of blond hair around his ear with his fingertips.

"Even", he murmurs close to his lips, "I won't, I promise."

"I know," he assures straight away. "Deep down, I know it. Just like I won't see you any different, no matter your past. It's just..." He takes a deep breath, before answering Isak's original question, "I was a child afraid of going home, yes." Isak nods but doesn't comment, lets Even the time to decide if he wants to say more or not.

And he does, after a while.

"I've been afraid of it as far as I can remember and sometimes I still forget that I no longer have anything to fear. It's better since we've been in Bergen, though. And that's good because it was kind of the point." Isak moves his hands again and slides his arms behind Even's back to hug him tighter. He stays silent, patient. "I don't know what I was the most afraid of. Coming home to my father drunk and furious for whatever reason and beating the shit out of me or him hurting my mum without me being able to do anything to stop him."

Isak can feel the lump forming in his throat, pain and anger gripping him from the inside. He doesn't know that man but he already hates him with his whole being.

"I don't know what scared me the most but I know I preferred it to be me rather than her. Always. It was less painful, somehow."

Isak fights against himself, against the sob squeezing his throat. _It's not fair_ , he think, so not fair. No one deserves this but Even, kind and full of love, even less.

"We left when I was sixteen but he wouldn't let us live in peace. He would follow us everywhere in Oslo. One day, he even found me in front of Bakka. I told him to leave but he was drunk - a real mess. He hit me, of course. And it's the most humiliating thing that ever happened to me because he did it in front of everyone but, ironically, that's what saved me and my mum. Because then we had witnesses and we got the justice involved."

"How… How did it end?"

"Restraining order. They also forced him to go to rehab and to meetings, that kind of stuff."

"It's not much," Isak can't help but points out.

"No, it's not," Even sighs. "But it made him realise we wouldn't stay silent anymore."

Isak feels so proud of him. Even's father is a monster who made of his childhood a living nightmare and yet, Even became the purest and sweetest soul he knows. He isn't bitter or resentful. He doesn't hate.

He could.

But instead, he's empathic and patient.

"So," Even carries on. "That's why I said Terje wasn't that bad. He is nothing like my father. He's always been wonderful with my mum. He never disrespects her, he never raises his voice, he'd never hurt her and… I know he's not the best person, like, at all. But right now it seems like he's enough. I just want my mum to be happy and loved, you know?"

"I understand," Isak replies and he means it.

"I'm sorry. It doesn't mean it erases the things he did to you, though."

"I know," he says and brushes their noses together. "I know. I'm not upset."

"Okay."

"And you?"

"Hm?"

"Are you okay?"

Even smiles at him. It's small and careful but it's still a smile. "I'm doing fine. I've been for a while. I just wanted you to know. And to show you that, you'll always find stronger than you, but it doesn't mean you're not strong yourself. Alright?"

"Okay," he nods. "Alright." And he rolls Even on his back to kiss him.

A _thank you for being there for me_.

A _thank you for trusting me_.

And a _thank you for being who you are, despite everything_.

 

×××

 

Isak almost never sleeps in his bed anymore. When he does, it's mostly when Lea is thinking about their mother. Those nights, Even comes to play to her until she's falling asleep, and, even if her nightmares became less recurrent, Isak knows this is the kind of night she's the most likely to wake up crying in the middle of the night. So he prefers to stay with her, just in case.

Those nights, Even kisses him gently and tells him he's a good brother. Isak doesn't know if it's true but it's still nice to hear it.

During the day, nothing has changed between Even and him inside the house. Outside though, they meet more and more often after Even's classes. They grab a coffee, take a walk and talk for hours despite the cold, just like the first time. Even gave him the University courses' brochures so he could start to think about what he wants to do and even talked to him about a job at the library. After that afternoon, Isak went home and made a resume.

But in the end, they really ever get close to each other - physically - at night, after Isak leaves Lea and joins Even in his bedroom, in his bed.

That's when they can hold and press each other. When they can slip their hands under their clothes and reach new patches of warm skin. When they can kiss and lick, on the lips, but not only, sometimes seeking for sensitive hidden spots.

They get more confident and more comfortable with each other, until, one night, Even takes off his pyjama top. Most of the time, Isak falls asleep wearing only his briefs while Even always keeps his long-sleeved t-shirt. He never asked why, wanted to respect Even's privacy. He didn't understand why though, since Even let him see and touch and kiss his chest more than once and never acted self-conscious around him. So he didn't understand-

Until he sees it.

Isak had never thought about it, the fact that he had never seen or touched Even's wrists, clothing always between them. But now that they're making out, fondling and touching each other everywhere, he can't not notice it.

There are two long scars on Even's wrists.

Part of him wants to ask, but the other part also knows that this is Even trusting him not to think or act different with him. This is important and he doesn't want to push too much too fast, so, in the end, he stays quiet. If Even wants to talk to him about it, he will on his own terms.

And clearly, Even doesn't want to talk right now.

He pushes him on his back and soon Isak is trapped between the mattress and Even's delicious weight on top of him. He doesn't even think about it when he spreads his legs to allows him to fit between them but it's a brilliant idea, because Even's hands find immediately his thighs. His fingers are digging into the flesh and Isak loves it, loves it even more when he starts roaming his hands everywhere but mostly closer to where he wants him the most; slowly, teasingly, until Isak can't help but whine and arch his back, searching for friction.

It seems to spur Even on because suddenly, he's cupping him over his brief and Isak almost screams at the delicious touch. Even makes a strangled sound too and it draws Isak's attention back to him. He's flushed all over his body and face, and the way he's biting his lower lip while staring at Isak like he's some kind of treat makes Isak desperate for more.

"Come here," Isak whispers and Even gets closer, keeps his hand on Isak's dick as he lowers himself to share a sloppy kiss.

With this new position, Isak can feel Even's hardness pressing against his thigh, hot and so hard already. _Because of him_. He interrupts the kiss, ignores Even's groan as he does and tries to push him gently on the side again, even if it means Even can't touch his crotch anymore. But this way he can see the hard bulge in Even's shorts, even the wet spot forming and Isak is gone for it. He slides his thigh between Even's legs and it has the exact effect he was looking for, Even's dick rubbing against him even more and moans escaping his beautiful man's mouth.

"Wait, like this," Even says, breathing erratic and his voice even deeper than usual.

He puts his hands on Isak's hips, holds him so tight it steals a whimper out of him. Even smiles at it as he moves him the way he wants him. And then, he rolls his hips against Isak's and it makes their dicks align perfectly.

They moan in unison.

Isak feels himself flush instantly, heat rushing through his shaking body, and he wants more of it, more of everything. With that, it doesn't take long before they start pushing at each other's briefs and get rid of it in record time.

When he sees Even's dick for the first time, hard and wet on the tip, he can't help but lean to grab it. It makes Even groans and throws back his head, revealing his long inviting neck and Isak has to put his mouth on it, to suck a bruise into the white smooth skin. Even starts to trust his hips, fucking into the tight channel created by Isak's hand. His own hands grip Isak's biceps as he makes the most exquisite sounds, small high-pitched _ah ah ah_ that Isak never heard before but surely will never get bored of.

In a short moment of lucidity, Even lets go of his arm, spits into his right hand and slide it between them until he can take hold of Isak's dick in a firm grip. He squeezes him at the root before sliding slowly his slippery hand towards the head. He stops half a second there, and then pushes his thumb onto the tip, rubbing the split to get his fingers wet with pre-come. Isak moans loudly, _too_ loudly, and he tries to keep quiet by biting his lip, but Even doesn't stop, keeps teasing him with his thumb until Isak's begging him to move.

He can't even jerk Even off anymore, his mind too gone for him to concentrate on anything else. He doesn't even realise he's closed his eyes before Even bites his jaw and groans against his pulse, "look at me, Isak."

His tone and his hoarse voice almost make him come on the spot.

"Fuck, Even, fuck," he mutters. He's so fucking turned on that it takes him forever to open his eyes and finds his words to say, "this so fucking good."

"Yeah?" Even whispers, then licks a stripe from his neck up to his ear. "You like it?"

"Yes, so hurry up and make me come."

"Bossy," he has the audacity to tease him and Isak tries to trust faster into his hand but Even loosens his grip on him.

"Come on!" He exclaims. Even just smiles at him. "Alright, two can play this game..."

Isak pulls him in and kisses him. He makes it dirty, coaxes his mouth wide open and licks inside, all teeth and tongue until Even is a moaning mess against him. He takes advantage of the diversion to move his hand resting frozen around Even's dick and take hold of his balls instead. Even makes a surprised sound at first, but whines soon after. Isak spreads his legs a bit wider, arches his back, and he pulls the other man so close to him that Even's balls press against his ass and graze his perineum.

"Fuck, baby!" Even cries inside his mouth. "Alright, you win!"

Isak is so stunned by his reaction and the thriving feeling of Even's body touching him lower between his legs that he almost forget why he orchestrated it in the first place. But now, he's back to being desperate to come.

"Please, hurry," he ask shamelessly and Even doesn't tease him again, thankfully.

Instead, he kisses him hard on the lips before sliding down his body and stopping right in front of his crotch. He's still holding Isak so he just has to bend and-

Isak barely has the time to register the wet heat of Even's mouth around his dick and his tongue hugging his tip. He sucks and swallows around him once before Isak feels his balls tighten and he comes hard inside Even's sinful mouth.

Even doesn't move until he's done, and when he pulls back, kisses the tip of Isak's softening dick. He then let his head fall on Isak's hipbone, smiling against him.

"I think you broke me," Isak says, trying hard to catch his breath, and Even laughs. "Seriously, I can't move. You need to come up here so I can take care of you."

"No need to."

"What?"

"We need to change the sheet. I came all over it."

Isak can move, all things considered, and he leans on his elbows to look at Even who keeps his head stubbornly between his hip and his thigh.

"You came?"

"Yes, Isak," Even answers with a teasing grin. "Between you being a fucking wet-dream, your dick in my mouth and my own rubbing against the sheet, I had to. Now can you move and help me change the sheet?"

"Fuck," Isak groans, stunned. Even's going to be the death of him. "Kiss me first?"

Even's face turn fond instantly. He climbs on top of him, takes him in his arms and they kiss, soft and gentle again.

They don't stop for a long time.

 

×××

 

They fall asleep at some point but Isak wakes up a few hours later. He doesn't think there is a reason except his usual fucked up sleep schedule, but then he notices Even's fingers running along his arm. They are spooning, so Isak can only feel Even's body against his back and his breathing tickling the back of his neck.

Even's awake.

He wouldn't mind lying like this a bit longer, with Even's reassuring presence lulling him back to sleep. Except, the thing is, after all the nights he spent with him, he knows it's not normal Even being awake in the middle of the night. He can't just ignore it.

And Even doesn't give him the opportunity to anyway.

"Did I wake you?" He asks softly. He gets his face closer and put his lips on Isak's shoulder to drop a soft kiss on his naked skin. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay," Isak insures. "Why aren't you sleeping?"

Even stays silent for a couple of seconds before exhaling a long sigh. He starts to move, and Isak is afraid he's going to leave, but instead, he wraps him in his arms and pulls him tighter against his chest. Isak puts his hands on top of his and presses his wrist where he knows the scar is against his own heart.

"I think I should have told you something before…" He starts but then trails off.

"Before what?"

Even shrugs behind him. "Before promising to look after you."

"Even, I'm not a fucking child."

"I know! I just meant… I made you think you could rely on."

"And I can," Isak states without a doubt. "And you can count on me too. We take care of each other. We trust each other. That's how it works, right?"

"Sure," Even nods after a short pause. "But I'm scared if I tell you the truth you won't think I'm reliable anymore."

"What do you mean?"

It wasn't hard to guess how he got it the first time he saw it but maybe Even wasn't sure he noticed, because he takes Isak's hand and put in on his wrist, make his fingertips graze against the scar.

"I'm sick, Isak."

He hears the sharp inhalation Even takes before holding his breath, like he's expecting Isak to change his mind and turn his back on him. Like if it's a possibility, Isak walking away from him.

It's not. No matter Isak's own past with his mother.

It's not and Even's confession doesn't even come across like a surprise to Isak. He noticed a long time ago how Even takes meds every morning and every evening. And even the dozens of layers he's always wearing look like a hint now.

So he holds Even's right wrist and brings it gently to his mouth, brushes his lips along the scar before kissing it.

Because this is a part of Even and every part of him is perfect.

Because this is a part of Even and every part of him deserves love and care.

"Isak," he calls with a trembling voice and Isak lets go of his wrist.

He turns around to face him, to cradle his face in his hands and press their foreheads together. There are tears in his lover's eyes that shouldn't be there. Whether it's sadness or relief-

There should always only be stars in his blue irises.

"You're reliable," Isak declares. "And I trust you."

Even shakes his head with a pained look on his beautiful face. "I have bipolar disorder. I had an episode after all the mess with my dad and I tried to kill myself."

It hurts so much to hear this but also...

This is Even, standing naked in front of him in more than the obvious way, open and vulnerable for Isak to see everything.

And he won't let him down.

"You're reliable," he repeats, and he will again, even a thousand times if he has to. "And I love you."

He really didn't think before saying it. But he does love him, so much; so he might as well say it. He doesn't regret it.

Doesn't mean it doesn't sting when Even ignores him.

"I've got a fucked-up dad and a fucked-up mind," he keeps going with a self-depreciated laugh. "You know, maybe some people are born with tragedy in their blood."

"Don't say that. This is bullshit."

"Is it?"

"You're not a tragedy and I'm not a tragedy."

This time, it makes Even stop and _really_ think.

"I know," he says eventually. "I'm sorry. I got lost into the nasty part of my mind."

"It's okay," Isak promises and leans to peck him on the lips once. "I can help you get back on the good side."

Even smiles, just a little. "Sounds good to me."

"Alright," Isak smiles back at him, even though he can still hear the three words that he never dared say to anyone before hang in the air, like an echo. "Good."

_It doesn't matter._

_It's all good._

 

×

 

Isak wasn't planning on talking to his father ever again. It was perhaps absurd, considering they lived together, but he had managed to avoid any real conversation for weeks and he kind of assumed that it would remain that way. He was okay with it. No matter what his father would tell him, and even if he admitted for the first time in his life that he was wrong, Isak doesn't think it would do him any good. Because his words would never erase all the pain and the fear he had felt and still sometimes feels.

Really, it's okay. Sharing the same blood doesn't mean you have to maintain a relationship.

Except his father seemed to think otherwise.

Isak is walking back from the supermarket with two heavy bags when a car pulls up next to him. It takes him a few seconds to recognize and realize this is his father's and when he does, his first reflex is to walk faster.

"Isak! Come on! Get in the car!" His father calls through the opened car window. It's too early in the afternoon for his father to be coming home from work, meaning he left sooner with a purpose.

And Isak thinks he knows this purpose.

"I can walk, thanks," Isak yells back and doesn't turn around.

"Don't be a child."

Isak bites his tongue, decides to not respond to this obvious provocation. Then he sees his father from the corner of his eye driving slowly behind him and this time he can't help but react.

"For fuck sake! Are you seriously following me?"

"Isak! Language!"

" _Fuck_ . _Off_."

"Isak, this is ridiculous. We are going to have a conversation, whether you like it or not, and you might as well get in the car now. We are living in the same house, you can't run away from me forever!"

His father has a point, he knows it, but Isak's stubbornness is stronger than his reason. So he keeps walking anyway.

"Aurora asked you to talk to me, isn't it? You stopping being a fucking coward can't come from you," Isak bites back.

"Of course she did," his father actually admits and Isak is surprised enough to slow down. Just a little. "All I do right is thanks to her."

"That's the first time I hear you say anything smart."

"She has that effect on me."

"Good to know you realise she's the only good thing about you."

"That's not entirely true. You, Lea and Aurora are the only good things," he rectifies. Isak is about to tell him to fuck off but he adds, "you and your sister are the only things I've done right in my life."

"Yeah but that was before you fucked up your own children. Good job, daddy of the year."

"You're not fucked up, Isak. You're strong and smart and-"

Isak doesn't hear the rest of it because suddenly one of the bags' handle breaks and all of the content falls on the ground.

" _Fuck this_ ," Isak yells. "You know what? That's why I don't go to church anymore. God fucking hates me," he mumbles to himself.

"God doesn't hate you, Isak," his father replies. He's outside the car now, walking to him to help him pick up the mess, probably.

"Of course he does," Isak rolls his eyes at him. "Haven't you heard? I'm fucking gay. So he hates me."

"He doesn't," he insists and it just makes Isak even more pissed off.

"I wasn't talking to you anyway! I don't give a fuck about what you think!"

"So what, you were talking alone?"

"No, to my invisible friends, just like my mum. Sounds familiar?"

"Isak, don't joke about that."

"Or what? Are you going to run away again? Please, do."

"Isak, get into the fucking car, _now_ ," his father orders him before taking the broken bag and throws it inside the car.

" _Fine_."

At this point, he's just bored of yelling at his father who doesn't even give him the satisfaction of raising his voice back at him in response. He's messing his voice for nothing. So he takes the second bag and gets in the car.

His father doesn't take him home, which is probably a good idea anyway. He's still mad and he doesn't want to make a scene in front of Aurora and Lea.

They drive several minutes and when they finally stop, it's right in front of a cemetery.

What the fuck.

"Did you know I grew up in Bergen?" His father asks as he cuts off the car.

Isak didn't. Thinking about it, he doesn't know much about his father.

"Well, I did until my tenth birthday," he carries on. "Then my piece of shit of a father died and we left for Oslo with my mum, to live with her sister."

"Is he buried here? Is that why we're here?"

"He is."

"Okay. And what kind of piece of shit was he?" _Was he like you_ , he wants to ask but hold himself back.

"Do you know about Even's father?" Isak's whole body tense and he holds his breath. He nods slowly but guesses the answer before his father adds, "well, he was that kind of piece of shit."

"Are you…" Isak pauses. He can't imagine his father telling him this for the sake of bonding with him. So it leaves him with one single explanation and he doesn't like it. "Are you suggesting your a shit father because yours was a monster? Is it your fucking excuse?"

That is so his father's style. He's never responsible for anything, is he?

"No, Isak, I just… I'm sorry about your mother. I'm sorry for leaving you with her, for everything she's done to you."

Suddenly, Isak can't bare sitting inside the car any longer. He gets out, slamming the door as hard as possible. His father follows him, of course, and for once that's what he wanted.

"Fuck you!" He yells and walks to him, pushes him hard in the chest. His father lets him, doesn't make a move to avoid him or stop him. "Don't you dare compare my mother to them! She loved me!"

"She _hurt_ you."

"Because of you! Because of her illness! And it was once. It was an accident!"

He's crying. He's fucking crying and when he tries to push his father again he stumbles and falls on his ass like a pathetic moron.

"Isak," his father says, getting on his knees; and great, both of them are crying now. What a mess. "I didn't know. I couldn't know. And yes, of course, this is my fault."

"If you hadn't abandoned her, it wouldn't have happened."

"I know."

"If you hadn't abandoned her, maybe she would still be alive."

" _I know_ ," his father repeats. "And I have nothing to say to justify myself. I have no excuse. I can't fix things either, it's too late for that. All I can do is apologize. I was wrong, Isak, and I apologize to you, to Lea and to your mother. I'm so sorry I let you down."

Isak was wrong. He thought nothing his father could say would make him feel better, and it's still kind of true, but surprisingly, he feels relief hearing his father's apologies.

Because for the first time in his life, Isak's father acknowledges his pain, acknowledges everything he put him through. And it's not much, but it's still something he never had until then.

"Children shouldn't have the responsibility of taking care of their parents," Isak whispers.

"You're right."

After that, he doesn't know what else to say. He feels like this is how it's supposed to be now. They can't fix the past. They can only move on from it. But it's hard, so hard.

"I don't know if I could ever forgive you," Isak says, not a threat, but a warning; because this is the truth. Maybe he can stop blaming actively his father but it doesn't mean he will ever find the strength nor the will to forgive him.

And no conversation can change this fact.

"I don't want you to forgive me," his father replies and their eyes meet for the first time in a very long time. "Isak, the only thing I want is for you to be happy."

"I am."

"Really?"

Isak isn't sure this is quite happiness yet, to be honest. But it seems close enough to mention it and it feels like, in the future, it may grew into something stronger.

So;

"I will be."

His father nods slowly. "Alright… Should we head back home?"

They get off the ground and walk to the car. It's when Isak is about to get inside that Even pops into his mind. He doesn't owe his father anything, but he'd rather end the serious discussions today.

"Wait. I need to tell you something."

His father stops, surprised. "What?"

"There is something between Even and me. Like, a dating thing."

"Oh," he whispers and stares at Isak for a couple of long seconds. "That's…" He doesn't finish.

"Aurora knows, by the way," Isak adds to fill the silence.

"She does?" His father asks, but then, a small smile appears on his face and he laughs, "of course she does. She knows everything."

"That's true."

"And Even is a really good person."

"He is. He really is."

"I'm happy for you. You deserve someone like him."

And it strikes Isak then, that it's the first conversation with his father in three years that doesn't end up in screams.

This is a major improvement.

"Anyway. Let's go home."

They get back in the car and leave the cemetery.

"Oh, and I have something to ask you before we get back home" Isak remembers suddenly.

Now seems like the good time to do it.

"Sure. What is it?"

"You can't tell anyone for now though."

His father looks even more surprised and doubtful than before.

But Isak has to ask, has to talk about it.

It's time for him to make decisions for himself and to move on with his life.

He needs to.

 

×

 

After talking with his father, Isak made his final decision by the first day of the Christmas holidays. He also decided he would tell everyone after New Year's Eve, which gave him enough time to get ready.

That was his plan.

But once again, things didn't happen the way he wanted to.

That night, he goes to take a shower and when he gets back, Even is lying on his bed, frowning at his computer.

Isak's computer, with his tabs still opened.

"What is this?"

Fuck.

"Are you leaving?" Even asks, panic palpable in his voice.

Isak hurries to close the door behind him before someone, especially Lea, hears them talk.

"I- I'm working on it, yes."

"When were you gonna tell me?"

"Are you really upset?"

Sure, Even must be surprised but Isak doesn't understand why he seems so hurt by it. It's not a big deal, is it? He thought it would really be a problem for Lea, if anyone, not him.

"Well, I don't know, shouldn't I? You're going back to Oslo and you ask me if I'm upset? This," he says pointing at them both, "isn't a convenient fuck because we live in the same house. It's not to me anyway."

Isak sighs. He really needs to learn to close his damn tabs before leaving somewhere. That's exactly how Eva found gay porn on his phone during his first year at Nissen.

"Even," he says softly and joins him on the bed. "I think there is a misunderstanding here, I-" He stops when he sees Even looking even more hurt than before. It sounded like he was referring to them. Fuck. He really needs to learn to think before talking, too. "No! I mean, this is the whole Jonas thing again. Listen, I'm not going back to Oslo."

"Then what's all this?" Even asks again, frustrated.

"Did you look at it? Really?"

"I didn't want to snoop. I just saw this ad for a flat."

"This is in Bergen, Even. I'm not leaving. Or, not really. Just the house."

"Oh."

Even doesn't say anything else.

This is so stupid, the way misunderstandings can hurt so much.

This is the last time, Isak decides then, he's going to try to hide something from him. From now on, they are going to be _us_.

"I know my father and I talked, and I guess it's better but… I don't want to keep living with him. I want to try to live on my own - and for me. Lea will be fine with Aurora, I'm sure of it, and I'm still gonna be in the same town," he explains. "I think it's time for me to live for myself, you know what I mean?"

Even starts smiling again and it's a relief. He nods, moves to put his arms around him, getting them closer in this weird position where they are both almost sitting in each other's laps, face to face. Isak rests his head on Even's shoulder and breathes in the familiar scent of his silly boy.

Like if there was any chance Isak would leave him.

"I'm proud of you," Even whispers against his curls on the top of his head, "for starting to think about yourself first."

"This is a weird thing to be proud of," he laughs.

"When it comes to you, it's really not," Even refutes, shaking his head. "So, what are you looking for? What's the plan?"

"I'm not sure yet. Flats are pretty expensive. Maybe I should find a flatshare or a student room. I'm gonna find a job and my father wants to help me pay the rent but… Yeah, I need to do some more researches."

"Hm… I think what you really need is a roommate."

"Do I?"

"Yes. A roommate who shares your bed."

"Even," he looks up and rolls his eyes while Even beams at him, "we are _not_ moving in together."

"You're no fun, Isak!" He jokes and steals a kiss. "But, seriously, I'm gonna miss you here. I'm gonna miss seeing you everyday and falling asleep with you."

"Me moving out doesn't mean we will stop. Actually, it's gonna be even better because we'll be able to be together without freaking out about my father or your mother, or worst, _Lea_ , hearing us."

"Something tells me you're not talking about simply sleeping together," Even teases him. "Or, maybe you do. Depends on which definition in the dictionary."

"Shut up."

"But, yeah, alright, you convinced me. I like the idea of telling my mum, _I'm not sleeping here tonight, I'm gonna spend the night at my boyfriend's place_."

His heart immediately begins to pound fast inside his chest. They never gave a name to that thing between them, even though it's always been clear that it wasn't casual. The level of intimacy and trust they've shared from the start is too genuine and deep for it to be some kind of meaningless relationship.

It's the first time Even mentions it, though, ever since Isak confessed his feelings at the worst of times and never got anything in return.

"Boyfriend?" Isak murmurs, hope growing inside him.

Even smiles then, and cradles Isak's face in his hands, brushing his thumbs gently along his jaw. He's looking at Isak like he's magic, like maybe _he feels it too_ and Isak melts against his touch.

"Let me tell you something, Isak Valtersen," Even says with his teasing smile and Isak already knows he's going to shake his world. "Do you know when I knew I'd fall in love with you? That it was inevitable? When Lea was so excited about going to the pool and you laugh. You weren't talking, weren't smiling, nothing since you arrived but the way you looked at her… There was - is - so much light in you, so much care and devotion... It was beautiful to see you like this and I knew then that I was going to fall in love with you."

Isak wants to tell Even he's the one who's beautiful, who's shining so bright he brought back light into his life when he thought he would never know anything but the darkness. He wants to tell him all the ways he made his life worth living again but he remains speechless.

"Don't think I meant to ignore you the other night," Even carries on, fondling their lips together in an almost kiss. "When you said I love you to me."

"I'm sorry," Isak whispers, tempted to look away, but wanting his trust in Even to be stronger than his shame and fear of rejection. "I shouldn't have said it. Not at that moment, at least."

"It's okay. It was good to hear it. Trust me."

"Okay. Good."

Even smiles, "good," kisses him with an infinite tenderness and finally confesses, "I love you Isak Valtersen. I love you a lot."

It's stupid, it's just three little words and yet. It makes his heart flutter. It makes him proud and fearless and happy and everything he thought he would never feel.

"You're right."

"Hm?"

"It's really good to hear it."

Even grins, brushes their noses together as he says, "let me say it to you everyday then."

And they are smiling into their kiss; and the next one, and the next, and…

Isak hopes they won't ever stop smiling as they kiss each other.

Kiss away the pain.

Kiss away the fear.

Kiss away the loneliness.

Together.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all your kind comments!! You're awesome!
> 
> Hope the second part didn't disappoint you. Tell me your thoughts pls <3
> 
> And after a lot of thinking, I decided to write a 3rd part from Even's POV. It will be a sequel, a couple of months later. I think Even's background deserves to be explored from his POV. I would also like to show how it can affect Isak and their relationship. I have a particular scene in mind that I couldn't get into part 2, so this sequel would be perfect. Let me know if you're up for it!
> 
> Thank you again and have the nicest week-end <3<3<3


	3. stronger as one

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even's never been good at being the kind of man his father wanted him to be.  
> But maybe it's a good thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay! I had too little inspiration and too much doubt about all this. Hope it doesn't disappoint.
> 
> It's more of an epilogue than a third part btw. It's Even POV. It gives the Isak's story closure and glimses of Even's mind and past.
> 
> Same warnings as before; maybe a bit more graphic.
> 
> :)

Even's first memory of his father goes like this:

He's five, maybe six, and he's playing in the garden, climbing in a tree. His mother left forthe supermarket and his father is watching a game on the television - that's why he's outside, actually, because his father didn't want him to disturb him during the match. So he's climbing in a tree. But it rained early that day and- He slips. He falls. He hears something crack. Then, he feels the pain. And he cries. Of course he does - it hurts, doesn't remember ever hurting this much.

He's calling for help, for his father, until he's finally coming for him. Even waits for the warm hug, for the smoothing words, for the pain to stop.

That's what parents do, right? Make the pain go away?

It's not. Not his father, anyway.

It's the first time he hits him - slaps him hard - as he yells at him, "shut the fuck up and stop crying! Men don't cry. Real men _never_ cry."

It started like this, his father teaching him the hard way what being a real man entails. A man who doesn't cry. A man who's tough and ruthless. A real man - like him.

Even's never been good at being a real man.

He broke his arm that day, for the first time, but not the last. Except the next times, he didn't fall, even though that's what he said to his mother, to his teachers and to everyone else. The next times, it's his father's teaching him to be a real man. To take pain and shut up.

He is never man enough for him though and his father makes him pay for it. But at least, he doesn't cry. Even doesn't cry ever again in front of him.

So it's kind of a shock, years later, when he comes back from university and finds Terje sitting at the kitchen table, his phone in his hand and his face deathly pale.

"Terje? What's going on?" His mother asks, her voice soft but worried. She's standing next to him and she puts a hand on his shoulder when he doesn't say anything for too long.

"Marianne," he says, "she…"

And then, Terje breaks down, bursts into tears.

It's unsettling, really, to see him like this. But as much as Terje's distress is hard to look at, Even is surprised to feel relieved.

Because his father failed. He didn't managed to turn Even into a cold-hearted monster. When he looks at Terje, he doesn't feel disgust or hate or even pity. He feels compassion and he's _so_ relieved.

He might not be a real man, but at least-

At least he's nothing like the kind of man his father is.

And thankfully, Terje isn't either, even if he did hurt his ex-wife and his children a lot too. Just not physically. Just not purposely.

Maybe it shouldn't but for Even, it still makes a difference.

 

×

 

It's the beginning of March. The snow has melted **,** the sun is shining, but it's still cold. Even doesn't complain though. He likes how soft Isak looks with his red scarf around his neck and a beanie on his head, some blond curls escaping anyway.

Lea is sitting on a swing, Isak behind her, pushing her.

Brother and sister are grinning and laughing and-

It's such a contrast, Even remembers, to their expressions the night they moved in.

The funny thing is, that night, it wasn't the first time he saw their faces - at least, not really. Two years ago, when he was still living in Oslo, Terje showed him pictures of Isak and Lea on his phone. He was smiling as he did, but his eyes… Even saw what he has never seen, not even once, in his father's eyes: guilt. Devastating guilt. And truth to be told, that look never really left Terje.

It made Even wonders what he could see in the eyes of the smiling children on the pictures, if he ever met them. Would he see the same innocence and genuine joy in the little girl's eyes? Would he see the same teasing puckish spark in the young man's eyes?

Would he? Or was it ruined already?

He got his answer two years later.

Even remembers the way Isak looked _so_ tired and _so_ sad. The way he was holding Lea into his arms, shielding her like he didn't trust any of them - and he didn't, it was clear, as he kept his distance, physical and emotional.

There was also no spark in his eyes.

But Even made the silent promise, then, to do everything to make it come back. And today, watching Isak and Lea playing under the sun, he thinks, _maybe I did_. Maybe it worked.

And it makes him smile too. It makes him happy, because somehow the last few months, their happiness became his too.

It's strange, when Even thinks about it, how tragedy brought them into his house and yet, as awful and selfish as it sounds, it's probably the best thing that ever happened to him.

How is it fair, though? How-

"You're alright?" Isak interrupts his thoughts.

Even nods and makes a move to get his pack of cigarettes but stops when Isak glances at him and shakes his head in desapprobation. He doesn't want him to smoke when Lea can see.

A loving protective brother.

Even wonders what his father would think of it. Is it something a real man would do?

"Think you can survive one more hour?" Isak teases.

He huffs, pretends to be offended.

 _I think_ , he doesn't say, _I can survive anything now_.

No.

_We can._

 

×

 

Isak's apartment is quite small, barely bigger than Even's bedroom. He only has a single bed, but they got used to it. At least he has a kitchenette so he doesn't have to use the communal kitchen, and his own bathroom. It's one of the thousands of accommodations inside the Student Housing building; nothing special,  pretty modest, really, but Isak loves it.

He loves it, because it's _his_ , he tells Even the first night they slept in it.

And Even has to admit, it's pretty convenient. They can meet on the campus by the end of the day, grab some food and then in a few minutes, they are back at Isak's place. He can give his boyfriend a blowjob against the front door, stay naked, eat cold pizza and fall in bed with him without anyone to bother them. When you think about it, it's close to perfect. What else does he need, really?

What else, when he has Isak, beautiful and naked under him, his skin white like marble and soft like silk, moles like a constellation of stars he's chasing with both his lips and fingertips.

A masterpiece.

Even runs his fingers on the body he learnt to know these past few months, his hands familiar with every edges and every curves, even more than his own. He licks Isak's throat, feels his pulse under his tongue, and kisses his collarbone - strangely, maybe, his favourite spot. He feels him shiver under his ministrations and he takes one of his nipple into his mouth, just to hear him make this small high-pitched noise that Isak claims is so embarrassing but that Even loves for being the pleasant indication of the effect he has on him.

"Dick," Isak groans, because he knows Even's getting a bit too smug about it.

He laughs slowly against Isak's skin but keeps moving lower, holding his waist as he does, muscles contracting under his hands. He stops when he reaches the familiar scar between two of Isak's ribs and kisses it.

Even knows the story behind the mark on his arm, ever since Isak's outburst against Terje months ago. But he never asked about this one. It's smaller, and yet, somehow more troubling. It's not like a clean cut and he can't help but wonder what happened. Who damaged his lover's ethereal body? How?

_Why?_

"Do you want to know?" Isak asks, noticing Even's unusual interest. "I don't mind telling you. I know… I know I don't talk much about… Anything, really. And I'm sorry."

"You don't owe me any explanation," Even has to remind him. He means it. "That's not how it works."

Isak shrugs. Pensively, he starts to run his fingers through Even's hair as he stares at the ceiling.

"I got involved into a few fights," Isak explains after a while. "The first one, I didn't even do anything. It's just… Some Russ guys beat up Jonas back in high school. I knew other guys from Nissen had problems with them too, so I schemed with one of them to get revenge. It went… Quite ugly. It was stupid."

"Did you get hurt?"

Even doesn't like the idea, even though it happened years ago. He can't do anything about it, but still… Isak getting hurt? He can't stand it. It shouldn't have been allowed.

"No, not that time but…"

"But?"

Isak sighs but keeps talking, "in second year, I felt… Everything was so messed up, you know? My dad, my mum… Trying to take care of Lea. Lying to my friends all the time, hooking up with girls I didn't want to fit in. I felt too much- I don't know. I guess I was angry, too angry, and there was this party one night where some guys started to fight and… I don't even know how to fight, but I jumped into it. And I did it again, and again, and… I stopped. Because I didn't want Lea to be alone if something happened to me."

"What about you?" Even asks, a bit harsh, because it sounds like Isak didn't even care about his own wellbeing. He doesn't understand. "What about the scar?"

"I don't remember exactly," Isak whispers and Even can't tell if it's a lie or not. "But I got stitches for it. And because I'm fucking dumb, I broke it in another fight and now… Well, you can see what's left of it."

Even really doesn't understand. Why do people seek violence? How can they _enjoy_ it? How can they be this ambivalent, sometimes warm, sometimes full of rage?

Like his father - always his father, isn't it? - who could be so nice and funny at family diner, kissing his wife and hugging his son, no one noticing the way they both flinched as he did. A man who could be this friendly person in public and then, back at home, where no one could see, turn into this dreadful version of a human being, terrifying and hurting over and over again his own wife and child.

_Why?_

"Are you mad?" Isak asks with a small, insecure shaking voice.

It makes Even's heart breaks for a second. He _knows_ , of course, that Isak is nothing like his father. He hates himself for even thinking about his father right now. It's completely different.

And yet.

"No, I just… I don't understand," he sighs, and moves to take Isak's into his arms, to make sure he doesn't think Even is upset because of him in particular. It's not him, really. It's violence in general, and how he doesn't get _it_.

"What?"

"I don't understand why people likes to hurt other people."

After this, Isak is silent for so long that Even gets scared he said the wrong thing and manage to upset him, to make him feel even worse about his past. It wasn't his intention at all. He would never dare to judge Isak, who went through so much on his own. It wouldn't be fair.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-"

"I don't have the answer," Isak cuts him off with a sorry look. "I don't think I'm a violent person. I don't like violence."

"I know, I-"

"No, listen," he insists, his voice firmer. "I'm not even sure I've ever hit someone during those fights. Maybe pushed, but, that's it. I didn't want to hurt people. I- It's me. I wanted to get hurt - _me_."

Even opens his mouth but no words come out. He's purely and simply speechless. It wasn't what he was expecting at all and it doesn't feel like a better explanation. What's worse: Isak wanting to hurt people or Isak wanting to get hurt? Honestly, he can't tell. Both options are unbearable.

"What? Why?" He stutters eventually.

Isak doesn't look at him as he shrugs. "I don't know… Fuck. Like I said, I was feeling too much and I thought maybe pain would… It would make me forget all the emotions I couldn't deal with."

"Physical pain to forget emotional pain."

"Exactly."

Right. It's not something he's proud of, but he gets it. He's been there too before. _That_ , he can understand more than anything else.

"Do you… Do you think I'm messed up?" Isak asks with fear in his voice, and it breaks Even's heart a second time.

"No, of course not! _Never_."

Isak nods slowly but he looks so sad all over again, unsure and broken just like the night he arrived in Bergen. And Even wishes he could read in his boyfriend's mind, knows everything that torments him, everything that hurts him and keeps him up at night, so he could use the right words to make things better for him.

There is so much he knows Isak is still keeping for himself, even though it's eating him alive.

"You know you can tell me anything, right?" Even tries. "I won't judge, I promise. It's impossible for me to judge you, really."

"I know."

"Do you?"

Isak looks up and nods again, except this time he's determined and Even doesn't doubt him for a second. It's the truth.

He knows.

"I think I know what you want me to talk about," he says with a steady voice. The fear is gone, the shame is gone; but now he seems too far away and detached for Even's taste.

"I don't want to pressure you or anything, I just… You never talk about her and-"

"I can't," Isak states and it sounds final.

So he doesn't push. "Okay."

"Sorry. It's… I can't. Not now."

He rolls on his side then, his back to Even and his face half-hidden in the pillow.

He shouldn't have asked, Even realises, as guilt overwhelms him. The truth is, he asked because he's worried about Isak and the things he won't talk to anyone.

The real truth is, some part of him asked because he can't help but make it about himself. Some selfish, unworthily part of him he has the hardest time to shut up the more his relationship with Isak is growing, is slowly corrupting his mind.

_How can he be with me when I- When she-_

No. It needs to stop. He can't go down that road.

Even grabs the blankets then, and covers them both before spooning Isak, an arm around his waist drawing him against his own chest. He buries his nose into the back of his neck, into the soft curls, and takes a deep breath.

"I'm sorry," he says, and moves his hand so he can rest it against Isak's chest, where he feels his heart beating. "I love you."

The beats go faster.

His body relax instantly against his.

"Love you."

 

×

 

In theory, it's almost Spring. But in this late afternoon, with the sun already down and the storm outside, it's hard to tell.

Even spent the afternoon studying at the library. He's always liked it - the silence, the atmosphere and the books everywhere - but he wouldn't call himself a regular either. Now, though, ever since Isak started working here, he became some kind of bookworm, always hanging out between the shelves, skimming books he isn't even interested in to keep himself busy, scattering his things on the table like he would do it on his own desk at home. He finished the paper he was supposed to write an hour ago but still hasn't left his seat, instead staring at his boyfriend from afar.

From time to time, Isak glances at him and rolls his eyes, pretending he's not enjoying every second of it.

When Isak's shift is finally over, he joins Even at the library hall and they squeeze under the fragile umbrella. That's in this kind of situation that Even is glad Isak is living next to the campus. Their shoes and jeans are wet in a matter of seconds but at least his brushing is safe and he can hug Isak along the way.

"What have you been working on today?" Isak asks when they get into the student housing. Even stays a moment on the front door of the building to shake the wet umbrella.

"Just a paper."

"About what?"

Isak starts to take off his shoes in the middle of the hall and Even decides to do the same. He puts a hand on Isak's shoulder as he bends, making him scoff at his obvious lack of balance.

"I'm almost two meters tall, give me a break."

"Hm, hm."

They hold their shoes and start climbing the stairs.

"Anyway, it was just this thing about the Dogme 95." Isak is looking at him, prompting him to say more. "It's a Danish filmmaking movement from 1995. There were very specific rules in terms of filmmaking. It was a way for the directors to take back power as artists over the studios."

"Should we watch one of their movies? Does Mads Mikkelsen play in any of those?"

Even laughs, almost slips on a step. Isak grabs his coat in a valiant attempt to save him from falling.

"Is Mads Mikkelsen the only Danish actor you know?"

"No, but it's the hottest one I know."

"That's true."

Three floors up, they arrive at the door of Isak's apartment, who searches his pockets for his keys, without success.

"Fuck, where the fuck-" he mutters and tries to find them inside his backpack. "You know," he says while he keeps searching, "I don't know what your favorite movie is. I know movies you like, but not, _the one_ , you know?"

"Forget it, I got your spare key," Even remembers. "Move out of the way," he adds and walks to open the door.

Isak gave him the spare keys the day he moved in and Even has kept them with him ever since. It's probably counterintuitive, given how often he loses his own keys, but he can't help it. He likes having Isak's keys with him - it gives him the illusion of living with him in this apartment. Like they live _together_.

And then, sometimes, Isak offers him to wait for the end of his shift at his place and Even does. He cooks dinner for them and loves Isak's smile when he finds him in the tiny kitchen. He loves all of it.

"So, tell me, what's your favorite movie?" Isak asks again. They start to get rid of their wet clothes in the middle of the room.

"I don't know."

"You don't know?"

Well, the truth is, he thinks he does, but he hasn't watched the movie in years. In fact, not since he first saw it, when he was about 13.

It was a rainy afternoon, just like today, and he was stuck at home watching television. His mother was also there and when Romeo+Juliet started playing, she told him it was an adaptation of Shakespeare's play. Even had just read it at school and loved it.

He loved the film too. He loved the tragic love story.

And he loved the actors, especially Leonardo DiCaprio, even more.

That's what he said, out loud, stupidly. Something like, "I think Leonardo is hot."

It was the first time he actually believed his father was going to kill him. His father, whom he didn't see enter the room and who heard him talking about a man that way, calling him "hot". It was unacceptable. It was a shame. Not under his roof, not his own son...

"Don't ever talk like that again! My son isn't a fag! I won't allow it!" He was screaming. He was furious and he made him regret it, beating him on the ground and ignoring his wife's pleas to let him go - to let him _live_.

Later, he also hit her, holding her responsible for her son's words. "It's your influence, it's your fault. You let him watch that crap, it's your fault."

He never dared watch the movie again, even though he still thought it was the best he had ever seen. He has always loved epic love stories, no matter what his father thinks of it.

Always will, probably.

"Even?" Isak calls him in a whisper, putting an arm around his waist. They both shiver from the cold of the rain and their nakedness. They really need a shower.

"Romeo+Juliet, by Baz Luhrmann, I think. But I didn't watch it in a very long time," he says eventually. This is Isak. He can share everything with him, even the ugliest memories.

"Why?"

"The first time I saw it, I said Leonardo DiCaprio was hot."

"Who doesn't like young Leonardo," Isak smiles.

"Well, my father didn't." He feels Isak tense against him. "He almost killed me for saying it. He couldn't accept that his own son may like boys. You know, not real men and stuff."

Isak hugs him tighter and closer, his hands pressed firmly against his shoulder blades. He rubs their nose together, gentle and comforting, and then looks at him straight in the eyes when he says;

"I think the only one in this story who isn't a real man is your father. Actually, he's just a worthless piece of shit."

It makes Even laugh somehow, to hear Isak talking that way.

"And it's time to end this toxic hypermasculinity. Fuck real men. It doesn't mean anything."

"Toxic hypermasculinity? Did you hear it from Jonas?"

"Maybe."

Even laughs again and Isak smiles, relax against him and even rolls his eyes at him.

"He's right though."

"Yeah," Even nods, "he is."

He is.

 

×

 

A few days later, Isak asks him to wait for him at his place and when he comes home, he's holding the DVD of Romeo+Juliet in his hand.

By the end of the movie, Even still thinks it must be his favorite movie; but he doesn't want to call it his favorite love story anymore.

He has a new favorite one now.

And it's not tragic.

 

×

 

Lea's shoes are in the middle of the hallway and music is playing in the kitchen when he comes home from his late-night class. He is an independent adult, at least as much as he can be while still living with his mother, but it's always nice to come home starving and see that his mother has saved a plate for him. She's filling a tupperware with cookies when he gets inside the kitchen and she smiles at him, pauses what she does to kiss him on the cheek.

"I didn't know if you were coming home tonight," she says and brushes a lock of hair out of his eyes.

"You left me something to eat," he points out and gestures to the plate of food waiting for him on the kitchen table.

"Just in case," she shrugs.

He smiles. "What a mum thing to do."

She chuckles and goes back to the cookies. "Isak dropped Lea off at home after school. I managed to convince him to stay for dinner but not to sleep here. Terje's driving him back to his place. I thought maybe you were waiting for him there."

Even nods, takes his meal and puts it in the microwave. "I guess not tonight?" He almost went to Isak's after his last class, to be honest, but thought Isak might want to be alone for once so he took the bus.

"Fancy seeing you tonight, then," she teases him.

"Come on, I'm not that absent."

"Honey, you're home only when Isak's home or when you have to drop off your dirty laundry because apparently, Isak didn't show you how to use the washing machine _he's_ using for his own laundry."

And, alright, maybe she isn't wrong.

"Sounds like I'm the worst son ever."

He meant to joke but he must have made a face when he said it because his mother is looking at him now.

"You're the perfect son and if you're happy, I'm happy."

"What a mum thing to say," he whispers.

She winks at him, closes the tupperware of cookies and makes it slide on the table to him. "Eat your dinner and then bring this to Isak, would you?"

"What?"

"No, wait, I'm gonna show you how to use a washing machine and then you can go back to Isak's place."

"Again, what?"

"I don't like him being all alone, that's all," she says and she sounds so serious suddenly. Even's always known his mother cared about Isak but tonight, it really hits him. He stayed for dinner and yet, she still decided to cook him cookies _after_ he left.

Just in case.

"Okay, I can do that. But maybe I should ask him if I can come before showing up."

She has a tiny smile on the corner of her lips, the one that says _I know things, son, but I won't tell you_. She takes out the plate he had completely forgotten from the microwave and then leaves the room.

He checks his phone, lying on the table. He has a message from Isak.

_My father just gave me a ride. Where are you?_

He smiles.

_On my way <3 _

Isak's gonna love the cookies.

_ <3 _

 

×

 

Once again, he's spending the evening at Isak's place and he probably won't go home. They both have their heads bent over a book, reading, or at least he's supposed to, but it's been half an hour since he's stopped using his computer to take notes and instead he's wasting his time on Instagram and Pinterest. In high school, he deleted all his accounts after his worst episode and all the dramas with his father, but more recently, he allowed himself a few exceptions just to reconnect with some friends - mainly Sonja - and because these two applications are always useful to find inspiration.

That's how he came up with this new idea, actually. He's been looking at travel pictures when it hit that spring break is in a couple of weeks and he has no plan.

He looks up at Isak, doesn't hesitate before suggesting;

"Do you want to travel for the Easter holidays? Go to Copenhagen or something?"

He can see Isak stopping his reading but he doesn't look up, doesn't make a move. Which is weird considering what he asked. That's not the reaction he was expecting from him.

"I don't know", Isak answers finally.

"You don't know?"

Now it's clear that Isak is avoiding eye contact on purpose and he's clearly not thrilled about the idea.

 _Oh_.

"We don't have to. It was just a thought," Even says even though he's having a hard time understanding why Isak seems so reluctant and why he isn't explaining to him with clear words why he doesn't want it.

"No, I want to. It's just… I wanted to go back to Oslo on Easter day."

"What?"

"For my mum. It was her favourite celebration."

It's the first time Isak talks about his mother on his own initiative and Even doesn't want to make a big deal out of it, even though... It kind of is.

"That's nice," he says carefully.

Isak sighs and drops his book on his lap. "It's not. I'm not even sure I want to. Honestly, I don't want to visit her grave, I don't want to bring her fucking flowers and I don't want to step into this church - or any church - ever again."

"Then don't."

 _Mistake_.

"It's not that simple, Even," he retorts, with obvious exasperation in his voice.

"I know, I'm sorry." He considers crossing the room to get to Isak but decides against it. "I just don't want you to be upset." Isak scoffs. "I want to help," he tries again.

"You can't. She's dead. You can't do anything about it."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. That's what she wanted anyway."

Did she?

Even can't remember exactly wanting to die, and yet, he did try to. He remembers being so exhausted and hopeless that he wished he was no longer alive - but he didn't wish to _die_. For him, it's two different feelings.

What's the difference between Marianne and him? Is it these two different wishes?

And maybe it's selfish, maybe it's egocentric, but how can he not make a parallel with his own past? Isak lost his mentally ill mother because she killed herself and now he's dating _him_ , a bipolar guy who once tried to take his own life. How can _he_ see the irony and not Isak? It's been a constant thought on his mind and he can't believe Isak didn't think about it too.

He can't believe it doesn't affect Isak's trust in him.

"I have a mantra," Even says after a while.

"What do you mean?"

"Every morning in front of the mirror I remind myself: _you're not your illness and you're not your past_." He walks across the room and kneels in front of Isak, takes his hands and squeezes gently. "And I know it's different, because she was your mother and she was supposed to take care of you, to protect you, but…" Isak squeezes back, so he takes a risk and says it. "I was wondering if maybe the reason why you won't talk about her is because of- well, me? Like, unconsciously."

"Because of you?"

"Because of what I've done too, in the past."

Isak looks suddenly so defeated, almost betrayed. Even hates himself already for suggesting such a thing but it's been in his mind for so long… He had to ask. He had to know.

"It isn't," Isak states immediately and then-

-Walks out of the room and locks himself in the bathroom.

 _Fuck_.

 

×

 

Even waits for him on his bed. He doesn't know what to do. If he leaves, it feels like walking away in the middle of… Whatever this is, and he won't be that kind of person. _Never_. But if Isak is actually waiting for him to leave to get out of the bathroom, he doesn't want to be invasive. It's not his apartment, after all.

He doesn't know what to do. He doesn't even dare to ask.

He has no idea how long he's been waiting, but at some point, Isak finally comes out. He still doesn't look at him but doesn't ignore him either; on the contrary, he crosses the room and comes to sit right next to him on the edge of the bed. He has his head down, his eyes staring at his hands nervously resting on his thighs.

He takes a deep breath and then, he says;

"I don't talk about it because it hurts. Very simple. It fucking hurts."

His voice is steady but his body language is alarming. Even can almost feel how painful it is for him and he wants to punch himself for not realizing it sooner. He's about to apologize, the words are on the tip of his tongue, but somehow Isak knows and he stops him with a motion of his hand.

"My mother went missing and next thing I knew, our priest was calling to tell me he found her dead in the middle of his fucking church. And you know what the most fucked up part is? I felt thankful to her. My first thought had been: thank fuck she didn't do it at home. She didn't do it where Lea could find her, where _I_ could find her. Seriously, I felt like she was my mum again just because, in my mind, she did it to spare us. And I know it's bullshit: she just wanted to die close to God, she didn't give a shit about us. But that was still a comforting thought. How fucked up is that?"

Even knows the story. He knew the story about Isak, his sister and their mother even before he met him, which he always felt guilty for, although he wasn't responsible. He was there after Terje got the call about Marianne's death. He also knows it was a nurse who called him, not Isak. He knows how after, Terje couldn't reach Isak - or rather, Isak rejected every single one of his phone calls - until the last moment when he finally left for Oslo. He knows Isak's first words to his father when he arrived at the hospital were "you must be so happy, you're finally a free man". He knows these words have broken Terje as much as Isak. He knows Lea barely recognized his father and kept asking for her mother for hours- days, even. He knows.

He knows the story but this is the first time he hears it from Isak.

And this is the first time he can see how Isak feels about it.

It changes everything.

"She chose God over her own children, and it fucking hurts." This time his voice is shaking, almost breaking on his last words. "I wasn't enough," he whispers.

And finally, Even gets it.

How did he _not_ understand before? He's a fucking idiot.

"Isak," he says, moves to get closer to him even though Isak won't meet his eyes. "It's not your fault."

"I know," he replies in a heartbeat but now, Even knows this is a lie. It's been the lie, it's been the reason all along.

"I don't think you know, no." He takes his face into his hands and looks right into his eyes. "It's not your fault."

Isak gets away from him and stands up. He makes a desperate, heartbreaking sound as he grabs a pillow and throw it across the room. Then, he walks to his desk and takes a random book but in two strides, Even is standing next to him. He hugs him from behind, puts his arms around him to stop him from throwing anything else and hugs him tight against his chest. Isak doesn't fight, just drops the book on the ground and lets himself lean against him.

"What if I wasn't good enough?" Isak speaks again. There is anger in his heart but tears in his voice, and it's okay. It's gonna be okay. "What if it's the reason why she did it- because her children weren't good enough?"

"Do you think my mum wasn't good enough for me?"

"No! Of course she was."

"Then you were too. Your mum… It's not your fault if she did it."

Isak puts his hand on his arm and gently pushes it back. Even first thinks he's gonna run away again, but instead, he turns around to face him, not hiding anything anymore.

"How do you know?"

"Because I've been there before. And trust me, when you get to that point, you're the only one who can save you from yourself."

"We were there, though," Isak argues. "We were there and she still felt so alone."

"Being alone and being lonely are two very different things."

Isak doesn't say anything else. He hugs him though, cuddles in his arms and rests his head against his shoulder. Even can feel his body relax as he exhales and lets go- finally.

"It's not your fault."

It takes a while, but eventually, Isak whispers back, "it's not my fault." And he looks like he almost means it.

"Maybe it can be your mantra, now."

Isak smiles, and Even has never felt more victorious about anything.

"Yeah. Maybe it can."

It took Even years to believe in his own mantra - to believe he's not his illness and he's not his past either. Most of the time, he believes it, but there are still dark days when he can't even form the words in his mind without feeling sick.

It's alright, though. He's getting better.

And Isak's gonna get better at it, too. Maybe one day he's going to wake up, look at his face in the mirror, think, _It's not my fault_ , and mean it.

It only takes practice and time, and they can have both.

 

×

 

Later, when they are both laying in bed, Isak says, an arm around Even's neck and a smile on his lips, "maybe we can go to Copenhagen together, and then go to Oslo. You could meet my friends…" Even nods, smiles in the crook of his neck at the idea. "You could meet my mum." A beat. "What do you think?"

He hasn't returned to Oslo since his move, the memory of his father still hovering in this city - the ghost of his past. But tonight, he realizes, he doesn't care.  He's going to go back to Oslo with Isak, with the man he loves, and gets closer to his world.

Everything's fine. He feels no fear.

He feels proud.

He feels like-

"Yeah," he agrees, kisses the bow of Isak's lips. "We can do that."

He feels like he's the man he's always hoped to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry again, it's been a while! But I didn't want to force myself to write if it sounded wrong.
> 
> I'm curious to know what you think of this epilogue, of the last piece of Isak's story; and of course, Even's past. 
> 
> Thank you so much for your kind comments <3<3<3 See you soon I hope!
> 
> PS: I'm considering writing a Childhood friends / Friends to Lovers AU but I want to try to be a bit original with it, considering how it's a very, very common AU. Idk. Would it be interesting, for you?

**Author's Note:**

> (Come talk to me on my [Tumblr](http://badwolf-way.tumblr.com/).)


End file.
